Rebels Take Control of Aleppo in Huge Black Friday Sale
ALEPPO — In what analysts are calling a landmark event for Middle Eastern geopolitics and consumer-driven insurrections, rebel forces successfully seized control of Aleppo today during a massive Black Friday blowout that saw territory prices slashed by up to 70%.
The uprising, initially spurred by a group of disgruntled shoppers seeking discounted electronics at a local mall, ended a years long civil-war stalemate, and quickly spiraled into a citywide takeover as competing factions scrambled to outmaneuver each other for the best deals on prime urban districts.
“This is the kind of savings we’ve been waiting for,” said militia commander Khalid al-Baz, gesturing toward a newly acquired military checkpoint that came bundled with free artillery emplacements. “We’ve been holding out for a deal like this since the post-Ramadan clearance sale in 2018.”
As civilians and insurgents alike flooded the streets in search of bargains, local retailers were overwhelmed by the sudden surge in demand. Witnesses reported chaotic scenes of looters haggling over flat-screen TVs while rival factions engaged in fierce firefights over the last remaining bluetooth headphones.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said market analyst Nadia Sheikh, who noted that Aleppo’s real estate prices had plummeted overnight, leading to record-high territorial turnover. “It’s a bloodbath—both economically and literally.”
By mid-afternoon, rebel leaders announced that their provisional government would be offering Cyber Monday deals, including heavily discounted citizenship documents and free Wi-Fi in areas still under shellfire.
The Syrian regime, meanwhile, decried the takeover as a “shameless ploy to commercialize civil unrest,” while promising a year-end clearance offensive featuring unbeatable rates on reclaimed neighborhoods.