WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that has left Americans baffled and clutching their pearls, former reality TV star and current president Donald Trump has reportedly fired a slew of government employees, judges, and anyone even tangentially connected to his legal woes. This bold move has prompted widespread confusion, as no one could have possibly anticipated this behavior from a man whose catchphrase is literally "You're fired."

“I just don’t understand it,” said bewildered political analyst Martin Frowl. “We all thought his entire personality was an elaborate performance. Who could have guessed that the guy who made a name for himself axing people on TV would fire people in real life, too?”

The firings began just days after Trump’s re-inauguration, starting with a federal judge who once ruled against a Trump property lawsuit in 1991, a former parking attendant who once gave him a $20 ticket, and eventually spiraling to include the Justice Department’s janitorial staff, whom Trump accused of “working for the Deep Mop.”

“Look, folks, it’s simple,” Trump said at an impromptu press conference held from the newly rebranded Trump Lincoln Bedroom Suite. “These people were all bad. Total disasters. And when you have disasters, you’ve got to clean house. And let me tell you, no one cleans house like I do—just ask the White House cleaning staff. Oh wait, you can’t, because I fired them, too.”

The public’s reaction has been one of collective shock and awe. Many Americans took to social media to express their disbelief. “This is not the man I voted for,” tweeted one user who did in fact vote for this man.

Critics argue that Trump’s firings have gone too far. “By firing federal judges and prosecutors who were involved in his indictments, he’s essentially dismantling the legal system, and threatening those who might try and stand against him.” said constitutional scholar Dr. Penelope Quill.

Supporters, however, remain unfazed. “This is just Donald being Donald,” said Gary Pensky, a Trump rally attendee. “If anything, he’s not firing enough people. I mean, why stop at judges and prosecutors? Why not fire Congress, the Supreme Court, and maybe even Canada while he’s at it?”

The firings have also sparked logistical challenges. With so many government positions now vacant, agencies have turned to unconventional hiring practices. The Department of Justice announced it will be outsourcing trials to customer service representatives from a major telecommunications company. Meanwhile, several federal judges have been replaced by Magic 8-Balls, which experts say have shown comparable decision-making accuracy.

When asked what his next move would be, Trump was characteristically coy. “I’ve got big plans, believe me,” he said. “Tremendous plans. We’re going to do some incredible things. But first, I’ve got a meeting with the guy someone told me invented subpoenas.”

As Americans brace for what’s to come, one thing is clear: the man who built his career on the phrase “You’re fired” has no intention of letting it go to waste.

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