Governor Shapiro Lifts Bus Overhead, Declares He’ll Personally Fly Buses Before SEPTA Raises Fares
PHILADELPHIA—In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
“Not on my watch,” Shapiro said, his tie flapping heroically in the wind as he hovered five feet above Broad Street with the 40-foot bus balanced effortlessly in his hands. “Before SEPTA raises fares, I’ll make sure Philadelphians get the public transit they deserve—powered by me.”
Witnesses gasped as Shapiro, now glowing faintly in a red, white, and blue aura, launched into the sky with the bus in tow, delivering an impromptu shuttle service to passengers stranded by delays on the Route 47 line.
“Next stop: dignity for working families!” he shouted, cape materializing out of nowhere as he expertly dodged pigeons and rogue drones.
The governor’s dramatic stand comes amid SEPTA’s controversial proposal to increase fares, citing rising costs and a mysterious budget item labeled “Overdue Maintenance.” Shapiro, however, called the hike “an insult to basic human decency” and vowed to use his “superpowers of justice and common sense” to fight it.
“If SEPTA can’t get its trains to run on time, I’ll personally carry every commuter from Manayunk to Center City faster than they can say ‘track fire,’” Shapiro declared, his voice resonating like a Liberty Bell chime. “No more delays. No more fare hikes. Just me, the skies, and a promise to the people.”
SEPTA officials responded with confusion and mild panic, noting that the Governor’s newfound ability to bend steel railcars with his bare hands had yet to be factored into their fiscal projections.
“Frankly, this complicates things,” admitted one executive, dodging as Shapiro landed nearby and singlehandedly repaired a broken turnstile. “We just wanted an extra 50 cents per ride, not… whatever this is.”
At press time, Shapiro had rescued a stranded Regional Rail train from a flooded tunnel, placed it gently back on its tracks, and waved to cheering commuters below before soaring toward City Hall to attend a budget meeting “faster than a speeding Acela.”