Cherelle Parker Tells 76ers, “Losers Don’t Get New Stadiums”
PHILADELPHIA—In a bold press conference held at City Hall Tuesday, Mayor-elect Cherelle Parker delivered a fiery message to the Philadelphia 76ers, slamming the team's performance and halting their push for a new downtown arena. “Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
Parker’s comments came as the Sixers continued lobbying for their proposed $1.5 billion arena in Center City, despite sitting between the fucking Raptors and Wizards in the Eastern Conference standings. The Mayor-elect suggested that the organization focus its efforts elsewhere. “Maybe try building a practice facility where you can learn to inbound the ball under pressure,” she quipped, adding that Joel Embiid’s MVP trophy “doesn’t make up for getting clowned by the Celtics.”
Team officials appeared blindsided by Parker’s remarks, releasing a statement insisting that the new arena would boost the local economy and enhance the city’s reputation. Parker, however, was unmoved. “You want to enhance our reputation? Win something first. Philly doesn’t invest in mediocrity. This ain’t Sacramento,” she said, to wild applause from the gathered crowd.
Parker proposed an alternative plan: reallocating the $1.5 billion to fix potholes and fund city schools. “If we’re going to spend taxpayer money, it’ll be on something that has a shot at success—unlike McCain in the fourth quarter,” she added.
At press time, Parker reportedly sent Sixers ownership a care package containing a photo of her wearing an Eagles’ Super Bowl ring and a note reading, “Try harder.”