The looming government shutdown has left millions of Americans scrambling to understand how it might impact their daily lives. But for 90s television icon Tiffany Amber Thiessen, the fallout will be unique, just like her career.

Here’s a breakdown of the government shutdown’s effects on the Saved by the Bell star:

1. National Parks Are Closed, Which Means No Bayside Reunion Camping Trips

Fans of Kelly Kapowski will be devastated to learn that the shutdown would postponed the annual Saved by the Bell cast camping trip. “We were planning to toast marshmallows and reminisce about the time Screech got stuck in a tree,” Thiessen shared in an exclusive interview. “Now, we might have to reschedule, or worse, use private campgrounds. And you know Zack hates paying for things.”

2. Delayed Passports Will Cancel Her Trip To Fiji (Again)

For the third time in as many years, Thiessen’s long-planned tropical getaway could be derailed. “I am this close to sipping coconut water on a beach,” she said, holding her thumb and index finger half an inch apart. “Now I might just be sipping LaCroix on my patio again.”

3. Federal Funding for Nostalgia-Based Economy is on Hold

The shutdown could freeze huge govenerment grants for 90s nostalgia influencers, a demographic Thiessen has increasingly leaned on. “Do you think Instagram algorithms just run themselves?” she asked. “Without government funding, my vintage acid-wash jeans and Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper giveaways will grind to a halt.”

4. Custom Kelly Kapowski Stamps Won’t Be Printed

Thiessen had recently lobbied the Postal Service to release a line of Kelly Kapowski Forever Stamps. Production is set to begin in the new year, but with the threat of furloughed postal workers, Thiessen’s dream of gracing envelopes nationwide could be indefinitely postponed. “What’s the point of sending fan mail if it’s not signed, sealed, and delivered with me?” she lamented.

5. The Shutdown Threatens Hallmark Christmas Movie Shoots

With certain permits delayed, the Hallmark Channel has been forced to pause production on A Batch Made in Heaven, a festive film in which Thiessen plays a quirky small-town baker who teaches a grumpy hedge fund manager the true meaning of Christmas. “How will the children of America learn to believe in love again if we can’t make this movie?” she demanded.

6. A Mysterious Lack of Fan Mail from Area 51

Thiessen reports that her usual influx of “weirdly intense” fan letters from self-identified extraterrestrials could totally dry up. “I can only assume the aliens are as frustrated as I am about the government not being open for business,” she said.

7. She Won’t Be Able To Bribe TSA Agents With Autographs During Security Lines

The Transportation Security Administration, operating on skeleton crews, has left Thiessen stranded at the airport multiple times. “Normally, I’d wink and slide them a glossy 8x10, and they’d let me through with my oversized toiletries,” she confessed. “But now? I could get stuck for days.”

When asked how she’s coping, Thiessen sighed deeply. “I guess I’ll have to make my own nostalgia at home,” she said, before pulling out a scrunchie and a VHS copy of Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style.

As the shutdown continues loom over America, one thing is clear: no one—not even Kelly Kapowski—is safe from its devastating consequences.

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