BREAKING: Trump Gets Covid As Excuse To Call Out of Election, If Losing
November 3, 2024—Mar-a-Lago, FL
In an unexpected move that has left the nation both perplexed and mildly bemused, former president Donald Trump announced this morning that he “definitely has COVID” just days before the polls open, setting off a frenzy of speculation regarding the timing and purpose of his revelation. According to several sources close to Trump, he has a “100 percent foolproof plan” to “call out sick” if election night doesn’t go his way.
“I’ve got it, it’s very bad. Just terrible COVID, probably the worst anyone has ever seen,” Trump announced in a hastily organized press conference from his Mar-a-Lago residence. “So, if things look… you know, maybe a little down for me, I’m calling in. It’s a health issue. It’s called ‘sick protocol,’ people know it.”
As his aides began scrambling for ways to clarify what, exactly, this “sick protocol” entails, Trump elaborated on his newfound health concerns. “I’ve got everything: sniffles, chills, maybe a light fever. I just don’t think it’s smart for me to be held accountable to election results right now. Can you imagine how unfair it would be? Sick as a dog and still getting criticized by CNN—terrible!”
The announcement has reportedly thrown Trump’s legal team into a tailspin, as they scramble to prepare a viable legal defense for what Trump is calling his “Election Sick-Out Plan.” Although experts have pointed out that candidates cannot simply “call in sick” to an election, Trump’s campaign is reportedly exploring all options, including declaring the election results “null and void due to flu-like symptoms” or claiming, as one unnamed aide put it, “no legitimate democracy would deny a guy with a stuffy nose a do-over.”
“It’s just common sense,” Trump said, sniffling dramatically for the assembled cameras. “I don’t think a democracy should force someone to accept defeat if they’re feeling under the weather. It’s a little thing called compassion, maybe you’ve heard of it.”
In addition to COVID, sources claim Trump is prepared to “pull out all the stops” to avoid conceding, including announcing a sudden case of “election fatigue,” “campaign burnout,” and potentially even “sleepy.”
As of press time, Trump’s campaign released a memo confirming he will still be available to host rallies, make primetime news appearances, and, as stated, “contest anything and everything,” despite his alleged illness.