Baltimore, MD — Reports are flowing in today from multiple sources confirming the tragic demise of local Sherwin-Williams employee Donald Weston, who reportedly drowned in a towering heap of bottomless fries at the nearby Red Robin during lunch. Weston’s coworker, Alex Piper, who had joined him on what would be their final meal together, witnessed the entire ordeal and described the sequence of events with a mix of sorrow and awe.

“Don and I have lunch here a few times a week,” Piper explained, standing somberly outside the fry-lined scene of the tragedy. “We’ve got a system. See, you order the burger with bottomless fries, but here’s the thing: you get a whole basket before the burger comes out, then another with the burger, and then we always act casual, like ‘Oh, should we get just one more basket?’ It’s a foolproof way to work the system.” Piper paused, glancing toward the table where Weston’s final potato-laden moments had played out. “Turns out, though, there’s a limit. And today, Don paid for our little scheme with his life.”

Stacy Clifton, the pair’s usual server, was visibly distraught. “They always played this little game, trying to act like they were deciding in the moment to get more fries. Sweet guys, you know? And, hey, they’re bottomless fries—I didn’t mind bringing them more,” she said, voice breaking as she recalled the tragic lunch rush. “Today, though, we were just slammed. I didn’t have time for the whole routine, so I just brought them six baskets right at once. You should have seen Don’s face light up. It was like he’d seen his life’s work realized.” Clifton paused, sobbing into her apron. “I’ll never forget how he looked when he saw all those fries.”

Amid the scene’s aftermath, other patrons shared their shock. “I’d never seen a man so completely engulfed by fries,” said one customer who had witnessed the final moments from a nearby booth. “He dove right in, like he was swimming in them, and before I knew it, he was just gone.” Another patron, a lifeguard by trade, lamented, “I would’ve gone in after him, but honestly, I’m only certified for water rescues. Fries are a whole different deal.”

As Weston’s body was eventually wheeled out, the Friday dinner crowd was undeterred, filing in as if nothing had happened. One customer, eyes locked on the menu, remarked to his friends, “I’m starving. I think I’ll start with a basket of fries as an appetizer, then maybe try for a second round.” His friends nodded in impressed admiration, clearly oblivious to the risks Weston had so vividly demonstrated.

Hours later, autopsy results would confirm the cause of death as “Excessive Fry Intake, Acute,” marking a somber reminder to patrons everywhere: just because fries are bottomless doesn’t mean you are.

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