Doctors Issue Stern Warning: America Can Not Continue To Run On Dunkin’
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency press conference held early Tuesday morning, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a stark warning to the nation: “America cannot continue to run on Dunkin’ without catastrophic consequences.”
“After decades of unchecked coffee consumption and a concerning overreliance on glazed pastries, the warning signs are undeniable,” said Dr. Linda Carmichael, head of Nutritional Epidemiology at the AMA. “Our studies reveal that an entire generation is teetering on the edge of cardiac chaos, powered by little more than Boston Kremes and French Vanilla Swirls.”
The announcement follows a comprehensive report which found that 78% of Americans start their day completely filled up with Dunkin’. Of those, nearly 40% consume what the AMA diplomatically refers to as “liquid sugar delivery systems disguised as coffee,” while 62% believe a box of Munchkins constitutes a balanced breakfast. Startlingly, a full 12% of those Americans say they are “living their best life,” while doing so.
“It’s not just the caloric intake,” Dr. Carmichael clarified. “It’s the emotional dependence. People are no longer treating Dunkin’ as a convenience; they’re runnin’ on it. America cannot ‘Run on Dunkin’ if America cannot physically run.”
Despite the dire warning, many Americans remain defiant. “If runnin’ on Dunkin’ is wrong, I don’t want to be right,” said Stacy Blevins, a Massachusetts resident clutching a medium iced caramel latte in one hand and a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in the other. “The TV hasn’t told me I’m supposed to run on anything else.”
Meanwhile, Dunkin’ has issued a statement in response to the AMA’s findings, claiming “Running is good for you.”
The AMA’s report concludes with a plea for Americans to diversify their sources of energy and sustenance. “Lets try runnin’ on a balanced diet, with just a dash of cream and sugar for a while, lets try runnin’ on maybe anything else, okay? Hell, lets try runnin’ at all.”
In related news, Dunkin’s stock rose 8% following the AMA’s press conference, as investors noted, “There’s no such thing as bad press.”