Local Freemason Elders Really Need To Come Up With Big Secret Soon
DUNBRIDGE, OH — Amid mounting concerns from members and dwindling interest from potential recruits, the elders of the Dunbridge Freemason Lodge #314 convened a crisis meeting Tuesday night to address the glaring absence of a "big, game-changing secret" that could restore their mystique.
"Listen, if we’re going to keep this thing going, we need a massive secret and we need it yesterday,” said Grandmaster Harold Greeley, 78, pounding the ceremonial gavel with uncharacteristic urgency. “The Illuminati rumors just aren’t cutting it anymore, and we can't keep coasting on the pyramid imagery.”
Members of the lodge reportedly pitched several ideas during the 3-hour meeting, ranging from vague but ominous proclamations (“We know who controls everything”) to baffling non-sequiturs involving lizard people and ancient bread recipes. However, no consensus was reached.
“We used to have a solid thing going,” lamented Senior Warden Douglas Franks, 84, as he gestured to an old, dusty ledger full of cryptic, undecipherable doodles. “But now? Everyone’s Googling stuff. Kids come in expecting us to reveal the coordinates to Atlantis or at least tell them where to find a cursed artifact. All we’ve got is a decent lasagna recipe and a weird handshake.”
Younger members of the lodge have expressed frustration with the elders’ lack of initiative in manufacturing a compelling secret. “I joined because I thought there’d be, like, classified maps or ancient treasure vaults,” said Apprentice Mason Tyler Moss, 23. “But last week, they spent two hours telling us how great it is to know the big secret and how much the big secret is gonna blow our minds when we learn it.”
Some members fear that without an urgent pivot, the Freemasons’ once-enigmatic reputation will be reduced to little more than “a community center with better aprons.”
As the meeting drew to a close, Greeley proposed tabling the discussion until next month, citing exhaustion and an upcoming potluck. “We’ll figure it out,” he assured the group, “but let’s not rush into this. The last time we tried to invent a big secret, it turned out to be a map of Chuck E. Cheese locations from 1984.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists worldwide remain hopeful that whatever secret the Dunbridge Freemasons eventually concoct will be both sinister and incomprehensible enough to inspire at least three new YouTube documentaries.