WASHINGTON, D.C. — A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”

The study, which analyzed blood samples from thousands of participants, found that tiny bubbles of carbonation were present in 1 out of every 100 blood cells, leading some medical professionals to suggest reclassifying human blood types to include “Type Coke” and “Type Dr. Pepper.”

Even more shocking, researchers discovered that many participants exhibited signs of “internal fizzing”, where their bodies would audibly hiss when stretching or sneezing. Several subjects also displayed increased buoyancy when swimming, suggesting that soda saturation may be affecting natural body density.

“Honestly, we’re just relieved it wasn’t higher,” said Dr. Carbon. “At the rate people are drinking these sodas, we were worried they’d be like 5% Sprite by now.”

Representatives from major soda brands were quick to dismiss concerns, instead celebrating the findings as proof of their “deep-rooted connection” with American culture. “This just confirms what we’ve known for years,” said Steve Slorg, CEO of Coca-Cola. “Americans don’t just love soda—they are soda.”

In response, several companies have begun marketing “heritage-based beverages”, including Coca-Cola DNA™, a drink advertised as “already inside you.”

While some health officials are calling for reduced soda intake, others argue that resistance is futile. “At this point, we might as well lean into it,” said Dr. Carbon. “Maybe we can finally get universal healthcare if we convince insurance companies to classify Mountain Dew as a life-supporting bodily fluid.”

Meanwhile, in an effort to adapt to the change, the FDA is considering officially recognizing soda as a food group, alongside grains, vegetables, and regret.

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