LOS ANGELES—Pausing briefly to reflect on the tangy vinaigrette and scattered croutons before him, actor and comedian David Spade triumphantly announced Tuesday that he had completed his seventh salad in his nearly 60-year existence.

“I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but here we are,” Spade said, spearing the final soggy leaf of arugula with his fork as if it were a particularly menacing paparazzo. “To be honest, I usually just stick to fries, but sometimes you’ve gotta prove to yourself that you’re more than the guy from Joe Dirt who orders nachos for breakfast.”

Sources close to Spade confirmed the salad—a Caesar with extra dressing—marked a significant milestone for the Saturday Night Live alum, whose previous salads were mostly consumed at the insistence of personal trainers, nutritionists, and an ex-girlfriend who once told him his diet was “worse than Dickie Roberts, Child Star.”

“It’s not that I don’t like salads, It’s just, they’re so needy. They always want you to toss them around and pay attention to them. It’s like, relax, you’re lettuce, not a Kardashian.” Spade clarified, laughing at his own little bit.

“David is really blazing a trail here,” said Dr. Linda Cresswell, a leading dietitian. “We’re hopeful this seventh salad will open the door to an eighth—or, dare I say it, a kale smoothie. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

As for Spade, he remains noncommittal about any future leafy conquests. “Honestly, I think this is it for me,” he said, brushing a rogue parmesan shard from his lap. “Seven feels like a solid number. Like, lucky seven. Why mess with perfection?”

You may also like: