Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.

“I thought I was just going to send a quick ‘That was fire,’ but then my uncle replied with a six-paragraph rant about how halftime shows have gone downhill since Springsteen,” said Tyler McDaniel, a 27-year-old football fan who now finds himself estranged from his entire extended family. “Before I knew it, my mom was accusing my dad of ‘never understanding real music,’ and my cousin started sending links to obscure think pieces about the ‘corporate corruption of modern performance art.’ I just wanted to say I liked the lights.”

Across America, thousands of group chats experienced similar implosions. Experts say the divide largely fell along predictable lines, with some claiming the show was “the best ever” while others insisted it was “literally the worst thing to ever happen on live television.” A third contingent, comprised mostly of dads, simply asked, “Who is Kendrik Lamar again?”

Social media platforms also saw record spikes in activity, as users rushed to declare their love or disgust before anyone else could. X, Threads, Bluesky, TikTok, Truth Social and Red Note servers briefly buckled under the weight of competing hot takes, and Facebook saw a surge in comments from distant relatives who “remember when halftime was about the music and not all this nonsense.”

In some cases, the fallout became personal. Longtime best friends Mike Jenkins and Rob Stewart ended their 15-year friendship over a single message. “He called it ‘mid,’” Stewart said, his voice shaking. “We’ve been through a lot together, but that? Unforgivable.”

Meanwhile, local emergency rooms reported a rise in injuries related to aggressively typed text messages, as well as several cases of “opinion-induced exhaustion.” Physicians urge the public to pace themselves, warning that the fallout from the performance could last for days, possibly even weeks.

With emotions still running high, experts predict a second wave of debates will hit by Monday morning, as office workers across the nation prepare to pretend they “didn’t even watch.”

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