In a tragedy of quaking consumer enthusiasm, more than 600 baby boomers have been found dead after weekend in what authorities are calling “the most dangerous retail event since Black Friday 2008.” The mass loss of life occurred during Lands’ End’s unprecedented “End of Season Blowout Sale,” which promised discounts of up to 70% on items like fleece vests, cable-knit sweaters, and “those canvas tote bags that seem to multiply in closets.”

The chaos began early Saturday morning when thousands of boomers lined up outside Lands’ End stores across the country, clutching canes, reusable bags and coupons they had clipped from circulars. Witnesses report an eerie calm just before doors opened at 8:00 a.m., with attendees swapping tips on the best-value flannel and sharing proud anecdotes about their children who “never call anymore.”

Then, the unthinkable happened.

“When the doors opened, it was total fucking pandemonium,” said store employee Amber Chen, who survived by barricading herself in the footwear section. “It was like a stampede of well-meaning PTA members. One lady yelled, ‘No one is getting between me and this quilted jacket!’ before body-checking a man into a mannequin.”

The toll was swift and devastating. Many succumbed to injuries sustained in the frenzied dash for wrinkle-free khakis, while others tragically tripped over their own orthopedic loafers. One survivor, 72-year-old Harold Greenberg, described the scene as “totally worth it for these turtlenecks!”

Emergency responders arriving at the scene were overwhelmed by the carnage—and by the sheer volume of fleece in pastel shades. “We couldn’t even find the bodies at first,” said paramedic Lisa Ortiz. “Everyone was buried under a mountain of cardigans and sensible outerwear. It was like a very soft avalanche.”

Retail analysts say the tragedy underscores the power of Lands’ End’s brand loyalty among boomers, who remain the company’s core demographic despite its recent dalliance with millennial-friendly marketing. “Lands’ End means a lot to boomers,” explained retail historian Dr. Claire Berman. “It’s more than a store—it’s a lifestyle. And sometimes, a death sentence.”

Critics, however, have pointed fingers at Lands’ End for failing to adequately prepare for the surge. “The store’s aisles were far too narrow to accommodate walkers, canes, and the sheer competitive spirit of boomers hunting a deal,” said consumer advocate Marjorie Feldman. “This was a preventable tragedy.”

In a statement, Lands’ End expressed deep condolences to the families of the deceased, adding that they were “honored to have been part of their final shopping experience.” The company also pledged to dedicate a portion of its sales to funding larger aisles and additional emergency exits in its stores.

Meanwhile, survivors of the frenzy are calling it “a harrowing but victorious” experience. As one woman proudly declared while cradling a discounted raincoat, “They say you can’t take it with you—but I’m taking this parka to the grave.”

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