Apple Announces Groundbreaking New Rounded Edge Pro & Rounded Edge Ultra
Written by Avery Lawson - Tech @NewsTime News
CUPERTINO, CA — In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts and casual consumers alike breathless, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s most ambitious product update yet: a slightly rounder edge. The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through the tech world, with fans hailing it as "the most revolutionary corner ever."
“This new edge isn’t just rounder—it’s Corner Pro,” Cook declared to a thunderous standing ovation. “We’ve pushed the boundaries of what edges can be, because at Apple, we believe the future is soft.”
Critics, however, were quick to point out that the new edge is the latest in a long line of cosmetic tweaks masquerading as innovation. “Look, I’m all for clean design,” said tech analyst Morgan Perkins. “But at some point, you have to wonder if the only thing Apple’s engineers are working on is beveling icons and finding new shades of pastel.”
The event also highlighted updates to Apple’s trademark gradients and drop shadows, which Cook described as “so smooth, you’ll think you’re dreaming.” The keynote featured a 45-minute segment where Jony Ive, appearing via hologram, explained the metaphysical significance of gradients. “It’s not just a blend of colors—it’s a journey, an experience,” Ive said as an audience member fainted from awe. “Each gradient whispers: ‘You’re better than everyone else because you own this.’”
While the announcement was met with enthusiasm from die-hard Apple fans, some viewers were left scratching their heads. “They spent 20 minutes talking about the curve of a corner,” said one attendee. “My toaster has round edges, and it cost me $20 at Walmart.”
Still, Apple’s loyal customer base remains steadfast in their support. Lines have already begun forming outside Apple Stores, with fans eager to purchase devices featuring what has been dubbed "Corner Pro And Corner Ultra." One customer in line, clutching a sleeping bag and a bag of snacks, gushed, “This is why I love Apple—they’re always at the forefront of what truly matters: tiny, imperceptible updates that make you feel something.”
In related news, Samsung has quietly unveiled a phone that folds into a jetpack, but nobody cared because it doesn’t have Apple’s new shadow depth technology.