Ghosts All Pissed That AI Now Shows People What They’ll Look Like When Old
THE AFTERLIFE—In an unexpected twist of existential irony, spirits from beyond the grave are voicing their discontent with the proliferation of AI-powered aging apps, claiming the technology is undermining one of their favorite tricks: spooking mortals with unsettling glimpses of their inevitable future.
“It used to be our thing,” moaned spectral spokesperson Beatrice Wisp, addressing a crowd of translucent colleagues at an ethereal town hall. “You’d show up in some darkened bathroom mirror or foggy car window, and boom—a sweet, sweet scream! But now? People are pulling out their phones and saying, ‘Oh, cool, me at eighty again!” Then, taking snapchats. “What are we even haunting for?”
The complaints have spread across all corners of the spirit world, from Victorian wraiths specializing in dramatic candle-snuffing to tech-savvy poltergeists who had recently upgraded to haunting Ring doorbells. Many argue that the apps trivialize their painstaking work.
“Do you know how hard it is to assemble a detailed, haunting visage of someone’s decayed older self?” lamented Gerald Faintly, a ghost who died in 1923 but still keeps up with trends. “The creaky joints, the hollowed eyes, the palpable sense of mortality—I used to get gasps and maybe a scream. Now I get, ‘This filter makes me look like my dad.’”
In response to the growing crisis, some spirits are proposing a haunting union to demand better working conditions and perhaps even enforce a moratorium on human advancements that infringe on ghostly intellectual property. “We’re not asking for much,” said Bethany Lancer, who died in 1825 and specializes in haunted portraits. “Just stop making technology that makes it harder for us to get families to abandon the homes we used to live in.”
However, not all ghosts are on board. A faction of entrepreneurial spirits has reportedly started offering “custom haunting packages” that include celebrity-lookalike aging previews and optional jump scares. “At least someone’s adapting,” said one critic, shaking his ethereal chains. “But mark my words: the moment these apps start showing people what their souls look like, it’s game over for us all.”
As for the living, most seem unbothered by the spectral discontent. “I mean, I’d probably rather be haunted by an old pic of myself than a full-blown ghost,” said Jared Phillips, 29, while uploading his AI-aged selfie to Instagram. “No offense, but you guys kinda had your time.”
Sources indicate that the ghost community is planning a mass haunting of tech company servers next Halloween to “remind humanity who pioneered the art of showing people what they’ll look like when they’re old.” Whether this will inspire terror or just trend on TikTok remains to be seen.
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