Local Father-in-Law Expresses Love by Inspecting Auto Maintenance
In a heartwarming yet vaguely threatening act of familial affection, local father-in-law Richard McAllister demonstrated his deep love for his son-in-law, Jeremy Halpern, by silently circling his 2017 Honda CR-V with a grease-stained flashlight and a judgmental stare.
Local Comedian Does Photoshoot
In a rare foray into the structured world of visual branding, local comedian Elliot Marsh attempted a professional photo shoot this week.
How One Neighborhood Was Saved By Replacing Everyone With Young Wealthy Families
In a heartwarming tale of urban renewal, the once-forgettable neighborhood of Birchbrook Hollow has transformed into a high-functioning utopia after undergoing a little-known revitalization method: replacing every single resident with young, wealthy families.
Mild Acquaintance and 62 Others Wrapped Up In ‘Honda Accord For Sale’ Facebook Post
In what experts are calling “a digital cry for help,” local man Jake Sanderson, 29, has triggered widespread social confusion after tagging an absurd 63 people
BREAKING: Guy You’re About to Sleep With Not Looking for Anything Serious
Just as your shirt hits the floor and things begin heating up beneath your duvet, local man Drew Baker, 28, has issued a critical late-stage disclosure: “Just so you know, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”
Local Parents Total Fucking Fascists
16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.
Drive-Through Order Bungled Terribly
A local woman is reportedly still recovering in bed at her home after placing a devastatingly mangled drive-through order, leaving both the fast-food staff and several innocent bystanders emotionally scarred.
5 Cheesesteaks That Will Get Him To Agree To Hang Out — And Not To Talk About How You're Better As Friends
It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.
OPINION: We Are Living In The Golden Age of Ben's Parent's Backyard
It is no exaggeration to say that we are currently witnessing an unprecedented era of prosperity and cultural renaissance in Ben’s parent’s backyard.
EXCLUSIVE: First Look at My Dad’s Gun
This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids.
Local Man Gets Better Sleep After Starting Nightly Grapple with Shame 30 Minutes Earlier
In a revelation that has shocked Millbrook, local resident Michael Sanders, 28, has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.
American Division Gave This Local Man A Once-In-A-Lifetime Idea — Now He Can’t Remember It
In what experts are calling a tragic case of "involuntary idea evaporation," local man Carl Henderson is reeling after losing what he insists was "the most brilliant idea of his life" — an idea so profound it could have possibly united a divided nation.
Local Man Says He Wants ‘Real Notes’ On Crypto-Currency Podcast
Local crypto podcaster Derek Lawson has shocked his friend group by making an unprecedented demand: he actually wants real feedback on his podcast, Crypto Kings: The Future of Finance.
College Friendship To Last Forever, Marked With Tattoos
A group of five best friends from Appalachian State University have sealed their lifelong bond in the most permanent way possible: matching tattoos of a poorly drawn pizza slice with the word “Forever” underneath it.
Local Family Abandons Dreams of Recycling
After years of diligently sorting plastics, scrubbing peanut butter jars, and arguing over what actually goes in the blue bin, the Henderson family has officially given up on recycling. “It started with hope,” recalled Gary Henderson, father of three and former believer in a sustainable future.
BREAKING: Something Bad Might Have Happened to Local Dad
Reports from inside the Johnson household indicate that something “probably bad” may have happened to local dad, Jeff Johnson, 47, although details remain unclear as no one has bothered to check on him yet. Sources close to the scene—primarily his wife and two teenage children—confirmed that they “think” they heard a noise from the garage roughly an hour ago, followed by a faint "Ughh... oh no," but since the WiFi is still working and dinner isn't ready yet, there has been no immediate cause for concern.
‘Babies That Code’ Holds First Hackathon
Babies That Code (BTC), a visionary initiative spun off from the celebrated Girls That Code movement, hosted its first-ever hackathon this past weekend. The event, held in a padded, baby-proofed co-working space, saw a record turnout of over 100 infants and their highly ambitious parents, all eager to prove that it’s never too early to enter the world of programming.
OUTRAGE: Another Man Asks Innocent Citizen If They’ve Ever Had a REAL Bagel
In yet another assault on freedom and common decency, sources confirm that an unidentified man has approached an unsuspecting citizen—again—with the age-old, unsolicited question: “But have you ever had a real bagel?” This latest incident, which took place at an undisclosed location (but, let’s be honest, probably near a coffee shop), has left many wondering: How much more of this can we take?
Entitled Democrat Goes Into A Walmart
Eyewitnesses report that an entitled Democrat was spotted inside a Walmart this week, raising questions, concerns, and even mild panic among regular shoppers. The incident occurred Tuesday evening in an undisclosed location (to protect the terrified witnesses), when an individual, later identified as local Democrat voter Taylor Winslow, was seen perusing the aisles of the beloved all-American retail chain. Eyewitnesses say Winslow looked “out of place” and “suspiciously comfortable” among the selection of good big mayonnaise, camouflage Crocs, and even the bins of decorations still from Fourth of July.
Seniors Bond Over Grandchildren Who Work In ‘Computers’
A group of local seniors at the Silver Horizons Retirement Community has discovered a profound connection: their grandchildren all work in something called "computers."
“It’s just so nice to have someone to talk to about this,” said Margaret Hensley, 78, as she adjusted her pickleball visor. “My grandson Kyle is works in computers. Or on computers? Either way, he’s doing something with them.”