Local Man Gets Better Sleep After Starting Nightly Grapple with Shame 30 Minutes Earlier
In what sleep experts are hailing as a “groundbreaking routine adjustment,” local man Kyle Denton reports getting significantly better sleep since moving his nightly existential wrestling match with personal shame to 9:30 p.m., a full 30 minutes earlier than usual.
“Before, I’d toss and turn until 2 a.m., ruminating over every minor social misstep since 2003,” Denton told reporters. “But now I start the shame spiral right after brushing my teeth. By the time I’m questioning all my life choices, I’m already tucked in.”
The change came after Denton read a wellness blog titled ‘Optimize Your Sleep by Scheduling Your Emotional Crises’, which recommended front-loading your nightly collapse into self-loathing. Inspired, he added "Engage with Inner Demons" as a recurring calendar event—complete with a notification chime that plays a faint weeping sound.
“It’s amazing,” Denton said. “I still relive that time I called my 5th grade teacher ‘Mom,’ but now I can do it while wrapped in a weighted blanket. My dreams are still chaotic, but at least I’m unconscious for them.”
Experts say this technique could revolutionize bedtime for millions. “If we can just get people to start their internal despair 30 to 45 minutes earlier, we might see a nationwide increase in REM cycles,” said Dr. Linda Holtz, a sleep psychologist at the University of Arizona.
Denton is now considering shifting his Sunday dread to Saturday evening in hopes of reclaiming what’s left of the weekend. "One battle at a time," he said solemnly, sipping chamomile tea and staring into the middle distance.
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