FINALLY: Trump Cabinet Swears Fealty In Blood
In a ceremony that can only be described as the pinnacle of patriotism, President Donald J. Trump’s Cabinet gathered at Mar-a-Lago last night to pledge their unwavering loyalty—sealed in blood.
Walton Goggins Announces He Will Show His Asshole Live on Netflix
Riding high on his current hot streak with starring roles in Fallout, The White Lotus Season 3, and his cult-favorite turn as Baby Billy in The Righteous Gemstones, Walton Goggins has decided it’s time to truly bare all—literally.
Ancient Tectonic Beast Awakens After Myanmar Earthquake, Immediately Declares Congressional Run
A massive 8.7-magnitude earthquake in Myanmar has not only rocked the nation but also awakened "Grumbla'Rok the Seismic Sovereign", an ancient tectonic beast long slumbering beneath the Earth’s crust.
When To Let Your Children Start Watching This Golden Age of Streaming TV
The so-called “experts” want your kids to spend their formative years playing outside, engaging in “creative unstructured play,” and getting a full night’s sleep. But in this economy of peak content?
REVIEW: Martha Stewart's New Line of Sex Toys: "Elegance in Ecstasy"
Move over, Crate & Barrel — Martha Stewart has officially entered the adult toy market, and let me tell you, she’s not messing around.
BREAKING: Guy You’re About to Sleep With Not Looking for Anything Serious
Just as your shirt hits the floor and things begin heating up beneath your duvet, local man Drew Baker, 28, has issued a critical late-stage disclosure: “Just so you know, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”
Sleight on Trump's Penis Has Set Off the Plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
FINALLY: We Analyzed Every Frame of Mad Men to Make a 3D Model of Jon Hamm's Penis
After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis.
Local Parents Total Fucking Fascists
16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.
The 7 Best Underwear For Men — According to Codependent Testing
Why do we call them “a pair of underwear” when it’s just one garment? I don’t have an answer to that, but I can give you a few suggestions of what underwear to wear!
5 Cheesesteaks That Will Get Him To Agree To Hang Out — And Not To Talk About How You're Better As Friends
It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.
EXCLUSIVE: First Look at My Dad’s Gun
This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids.
Local Man Gets Better Sleep After Starting Nightly Grapple with Shame 30 Minutes Earlier
In a revelation that has shocked Millbrook, local resident Michael Sanders, 28, has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.
TRUMP OFFERS BRILLIANT SOLUTION TO UKRAINE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS - FILE BANKRUPTCY
In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.
White House Fence to Be Upgraded to Parapet Wall and Moat
Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
BREAKING: Jesus Backs President Trump’s Bold Leadership, Says “A Little Porn is OK”
America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."
Pole Finds ‘Sleepy Girl Mocktail’ More Popular With Americans Than ‘Racial Equality’
A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.
TRUMP TAKES A STAND: BRINGING BACK GOOD OLD-FASHIONED WORKPLACE CHARM!
America, the great and noble land of opportunity, is finally being saved from the suffocating grip of the radical left’s cancel culture. President Donald J. Trump—our fearless leader, the champion of freedom, the greatest businessman of all time—is stepping up once again to undo the damage done by years of feminist tyranny in the workplace.
College Friendship To Last Forever, Marked With Tattoos
A group of five best friends from Appalachian State University have sealed their lifelong bond in the most permanent way possible: matching tattoos of a poorly drawn pizza slice with the word “Forever” underneath it.
Local Family Abandons Dreams of Recycling
After years of diligently sorting plastics, scrubbing peanut butter jars, and arguing over what actually goes in the blue bin, the Henderson family has officially given up on recycling. “It started with hope,” recalled Gary Henderson, father of three and former believer in a sustainable future.