BREAKING: Guy You’re About to Sleep With Not Looking for Anything Serious
YOUR APARTMENT — Just as your shirt hits the floor and things begin heating up beneath your duvet, local man Drew Baker, 28, has issued a critical late-stage disclosure: “Just so you know, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” The announcement, though poorly times, seems to have not effected your impending intimacy with Baker.
The announcement, made while fumbling with the clasp of your bra and backing up for what you thought would be a wide-eyed look at your breasts, arrives mere minutes before the impending sexual intercourse and roughly 37 minutes after he complimented your “vibe” and asked if you’re into astrology “or whatever.”
Second-hand sources have confirmed this announcement has left you nodding as if this is a normal thing to say mid-makeout. One source from inside your head has confirmed that you did in fact clock this as a tactical move on Bakers part to ensure that you are not expecting that this intercourse will result in expectations of meeting your parents.
Eyewitnesses (your cat, mostly) report that Baker made the declaration in a tone that suggested he thought it was noble—a gallant act of honesty delivered while balancing on one elbow and trying to discreetly move your laundry pile off the bed.
Experts say this “pre-coital exit clause” is standard for men who own LED light strips, more and one kind of protein powder at a time, and a “really good” Spotify sex playlist that somehow includes Travis Scott.
“Don’t worry, I just want to be upfront with you,” Baker adds, while kissing your neck like it’s part of a PR campaign. “I’m just not in a place for anything serious right now. But like, I respect the crap out of you.”
Sources confirm that despite this declaration, he will continue to text you sporadically for the next six weeks with messages like “you up?”, “wyd?”, and “thinking about that night 👀.”
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s headline: “You Lie There Wondering If This Was a Mistake While He Falls Asleep Instantly.”
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