Local Father-in-Law Expresses Love by Inspecting Auto Maintenance
In a heartwarming yet vaguely threatening act of familial affection, local father-in-law Richard McAllister demonstrated his deep love for his son-in-law, Jeremy Halpern, by silently circling his 2017 Honda CR-V with a grease-stained flashlight and a judgmental stare.
New Declassified CIA Papers Reveal Astronauts Were Barely Even On The Moon For One Day
A newly released batch of CIA documents has revealed that, despite the global impact of the Apollo 11 mission, the actual time American astronauts spent on the lunar surface was surprisingly brief — a detail U.S. officials at the time quietly downplayed.
Local Comedian Does Photoshoot
In a rare foray into the structured world of visual branding, local comedian Elliot Marsh attempted a professional photo shoot this week.
NEW MUSIC: Wall Street Workers Innovate New Kind of Jazz Amid Financial Chaos
In an accidental triumph of avant-garde art, Wall Street traders have inadvertently birthed a groundbreaking new genre of music amid financial bedlam: "Fiscalcore Jazz."
Trump Sets Record For Worlds Highest Jump
In an unprecedented display of vitality, President Donald Trump has reportedly set a new world record for the highest vertical jump during his annual physical examination at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
WIN FOR AMERICA: Netflix Show ‘Adolescence’ is British, Not Applicable to Them
TV viewers have been spoiled this Spring by an avalanche of great TV shows airing new seasons or making their debuts such as Severance, White Lotus, The Pitt, and The Studio, but Netflix’s limited series ‘Adolescence’ is making one of the biggest splashes due to its intense, realistic portrayal of a family’s reckoning with their 13 year old son’s murder of a classmate.
How One Neighborhood Was Saved By Replacing Everyone With Young Wealthy Families
In a heartwarming tale of urban renewal, the once-forgettable neighborhood of Birchbrook Hollow has transformed into a high-functioning utopia after undergoing a little-known revitalization method: replacing every single resident with young, wealthy families.
FINALLY: Trump Cabinet Swears Fealty In Blood
In a ceremony that can only be described as the pinnacle of patriotism, President Donald J. Trump’s Cabinet gathered at Mar-a-Lago last night to pledge their unwavering loyalty—sealed in blood.
5 Koalas Whose Portfolios Absolutely Tanked After Tariffs
five high-profile koalas have seen their investment portfolios plummet following the United States' recent imposition of sweeping tariffs under President Donald Trump's "Liberation Day" initiative.
Walton Goggins Announces He Will Show His Asshole Live on Netflix
Riding high on his current hot streak with starring roles in Fallout, The White Lotus Season 3, and his cult-favorite turn as Baby Billy in The Righteous Gemstones, Walton Goggins has decided it’s time to truly bare all—literally.
Ancient Tectonic Beast Awakens After Myanmar Earthquake, Immediately Declares Congressional Run
A massive 8.7-magnitude earthquake in Myanmar has not only rocked the nation but also awakened "Grumbla'Rok the Seismic Sovereign", an ancient tectonic beast long slumbering beneath the Earth’s crust.
When To Let Your Children Start Watching This Golden Age of Streaming TV
The so-called “experts” want your kids to spend their formative years playing outside, engaging in “creative unstructured play,” and getting a full night’s sleep. But in this economy of peak content?
One Mans Key To Great Sleep? Starting Nightly Grapple With Shame 30 Mins Earlier
In what sleep experts are hailing as a “groundbreaking but emotionally devastating routine adjustment,” local man Kyle Denton reports getting significantly better sleep since moving his nightly existential wrestling match with personal shame to 9:30 p.m., a full 30 minutes earlier than usual.
REVIEW: Martha Stewart's New Line of Sex Toys: "Elegance in Ecstasy"
Move over, Crate & Barrel — Martha Stewart has officially entered the adult toy market, and let me tell you, she’s not messing around.
Mild Acquaintance and 62 Others Wrapped Up In ‘Honda Accord For Sale’ Facebook Post
In what experts are calling “a digital cry for help,” local man Jake Sanderson, 29, has triggered widespread social confusion after tagging an absurd 63 people
BREAKING: Guy You’re About to Sleep With Not Looking for Anything Serious
Just as your shirt hits the floor and things begin heating up beneath your duvet, local man Drew Baker, 28, has issued a critical late-stage disclosure: “Just so you know, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”
Sleight on Trump's Penis Has Set Off the Plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
FINALLY: We Analyzed Every Frame of Mad Men to Make a 3D Model of Jon Hamm's Penis
After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis.
Local Parents Total Fucking Fascists
16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.
The 7 Best Underwear For Men — According to Codependent Testing
Why do we call them “a pair of underwear” when it’s just one garment? I don’t have an answer to that, but I can give you a few suggestions of what underwear to wear!