5 Koalas Whose Portfolios Absolutely Tanked After Tariffs
five high-profile koalas have seen their investment portfolios plummet following the United States' recent imposition of sweeping tariffs under President Donald Trump's "Liberation Day" initiative. These tariffs, which include a baseline 10% levy on all imports and steeper rates targeting specific countries, have had unintended consequences even in the most arboreal sectors.
Here's a look at five koalas who are really feeling the crunch—both in their finances and their branches.
1. Gavin “Pouch Daddy” McLeaf
Portfolio Peak: $2.8 million in eucalyptus futures
Assets: 4 acorns and a commemorative coin from the 2000 Sydney Olympics
Gavin was once known as the “Warren Buffet of the treetop” for his aggressive investments in eucalyptus derivatives. However, with the U.S. imposing a 10% tariff on all imports, including eucalyptus products, the demand from American markets has withered, causing his futures to expire harder than a dry gumtree in a brushfire. “I diversified into bamboo NFTs,” Gavin says, chewing a leaf nervously. “Turns out they’re not edible or fungible.”
2. Cheryl Dinkledrop
Portfolio Peak: $1.6 million in imported bark stocks
Assets: A dented iPad and a half-empty jar of Vegemite
Cheryl bet big on imported Malaysian bark during the 2023 Bark Boom. But with the U.S. imposing a 46% tariff on Vietnamese products and similar rates on neighboring countries , the cost of importing bark has skyrocketed. “It was supposed to be a sure thing,” she says from her tree-hammock in Byron Bay. “Now I’m back to leasing branches. It’s humiliating. I used to own five trees outright.
3. Wombat Steve
Portfolio Peak: $980k, mostly in DogeKoalaCoin
Assets: A dirty flip-flop and a signed photo of Elon Musk
Though not a koala, Wombat Steve identifies as one when investing. He made a fortune off the meme coin KoalaCoin, only to lose it all when the U.S. tariffs categorized all animal crypto as “illegal tree clutter.” “It’s discrimination,” he said, holding up a blockchain etched into bark. “I was gonna buy a timeshare in Tasmania.”
4. Lorna Gummypaws
Portfolio Peak: $3.2 million, diversified between eucalyptus bonds and marsupial real estate
Assets: Unknown, but her LinkedIn now lists “freelance nibbler”
Lorna was untouchable in the eucalyptus bond market—until the U.S. tariffs led to decreased demand for Australian exports. She has since launched a YouTube channel, “Lorna Reacts to Tariff News,” but monetization has been slow. Her last video was 46 minutes of silent weeping in a treetop.
5. Tiny Greg
Portfolio Peak: $40 in gum wrappers and dreams
Assets: vibes
Tiny Greg was never financially successful, but he insists the tariffs ruined his “investment momentum.” “I was on the verge of a breakthrough,” he whispers, clutching a crumpled dollar bill. “I had a tip about lettuce futures. I was gonna make it big. You’ll see. You’ll all see.”
As the global economy reels from the U.S.'s aggressive tariff strategy , the koala investment community remains in freefall. Experts warn that unless policy changes are made soon, we could be looking at the worst marsupial financial collapse since the Great Sleep of ’08.
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