16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.

It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.

It is no exaggeration to say that we are currently witnessing an unprecedented era of prosperity and cultural renaissance in Ben’s parent’s backyard.

This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids.

In a revelation that has shocked Millbrook, local resident Michael Sanders, 28, has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.

In what experts are calling a tragic case of "involuntary idea evaporation," local man Carl Henderson is reeling after losing what he insists was "the most brilliant idea of his life" — an idea so profound it could have possibly united a divided nation.

Reports from inside the Johnson household indicate that something “probably bad” may have happened to local dad, Jeff Johnson, 47, although details remain unclear as no one has bothered to check on him yet. Sources close to the scene—primarily his wife and two teenage children—confirmed that they “think” they heard a noise from the garage roughly an hour ago, followed by a faint "Ughh... oh no," but since the WiFi is still working and dinner isn't ready yet, there has been no immediate cause for concern.

Babies That Code (BTC), a visionary initiative spun off from the celebrated Girls That Code movement, hosted its first-ever hackathon this past weekend. The event, held in a padded, baby-proofed co-working space, saw a record turnout of over 100 infants and their highly ambitious parents, all eager to prove that it’s never too early to enter the world of programming.

Eyewitnesses report that an entitled Democrat was spotted inside a Walmart this week, raising questions, concerns, and even mild panic among regular shoppers. The incident occurred Tuesday evening in an undisclosed location (to protect the terrified witnesses), when an individual, later identified as local Democrat voter Taylor Winslow, was seen perusing the aisles of the beloved all-American retail chain. Eyewitnesses say Winslow looked “out of place” and “suspiciously comfortable” among the selection of good big mayonnaise, camouflage Crocs, and even the bins of decorations still from Fourth of July.

A group of local seniors at the Silver Horizons Retirement Community has discovered a profound connection: their grandchildren all work in something called "computers."

“It’s just so nice to have someone to talk to about this,” said Margaret Hensley, 78, as she adjusted her pickleball visor. “My grandson Kyle is works in computers. Or on computers? Either way, he’s doing something with them.”

In a shocking display of opulence and healthcare coverage, mid-ranking government employee Karen Hensley, a Regional Policy Coordinator at the Bureau of Urban Zoning, was spotted doing the unthinkable: visiting a doctor.

In an unprecedented display of gubernatorial support, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro was spotted hovering over the Philadelphia Eagles’ practice field in a helicopter this Monday. According to sources close to the situation, the governor is not merely cheering from above but actively collaborating with head coach Nick Sirianni to ensure the Eagles secure their Super Bowl win next Sunday.

Local man Craig Dobbins made the rookie mistake of sitting in a visibly wet patio chair within 30 seconds of arriving at a neighborhood party last Saturday. Witnesses say the incident occurred just as the host cheerfully shouted, “Come on in! Make yourself at home!”—a suggestion Dobbins took far too literally.

A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.

Amid mounting concerns from members and dwindling interest from potential recruits, the elders of the Dunbridge Freemason Lodge #314 convened a crisis meeting Tuesday night to address the glaring absence of a "big, game-changing secret" that could restore their mystique.

Employees at GigaTrend Solutions, a middling tech company specializing in “cloud-based synergy,” have been fervently praying that the recent announcement of a corporate takeover will lead to updated headshots for the company’s website, which still features photos taken under harsh fluorescent lighting in 2012.

In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.

In what experts are calling a “bittersweet milestone for tiny towns everywhere,” Greg Henshaw of Akron, Ohio, has finally completed his lifelong passion project: a sprawling, 200-square-foot model railroad depicting the bustling industrial boom of 1940s America.

Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.