Local News
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Amid mounting concerns from members and dwindling interest from potential recruits, the elders of the Dunbridge Freemason Lodge #314 convened a crisis meeting Tuesday night to address the glaring absence of a "big, game-changing secret" that could restore their mystique.
Employees at GigaTrend Solutions, a middling tech company specializing in “cloud-based synergy,” have been fervently praying that the recent announcement of a corporate takeover will lead to updated headshots for the company’s website, which still features photos taken under harsh fluorescent lighting in 2012.
Local 26-year-old graphic designer Ethan Warden announced Wednesday that he plans to double down on his current Instagram strategy by following an even greater number of accounts where men approach women on the street to ask aggressively personal sex-related questions under the guise of “social experiments.”
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
In what experts are calling a “bittersweet milestone for tiny towns everywhere,” Greg Henshaw of Akron, Ohio, has finally completed his lifelong passion project: a sprawling, 200-square-foot model railroad depicting the bustling industrial boom of 1940s America.
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
In a move that has left Santa Claus a little miffed, a couple from St. Louis, Missouri, decided that the most opportune moment to have their engagement would be Christmas morning, directly competing for the spotlight with the jolly man in red.
In what many are calling “a dismal failure of spatial planning and social synergy,” the inaugural gathering in 32-year-old Jared Turman’s newly redesigned living room was declared a complete bust Thursday night.
After years of dodging her grandchildren’s persistent tech-related pleas and a half-dozen debates over the dinner table, 84-year-old Doris Reynolds was officially added to the Reynolds family phone plan this week.
A groundbreaking study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania has confirmed that the average rider on the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) unwittingly inhales one entire rat annually while commuting.
Acknowledging the somber reality that the good times were quickly running out, the Redding family reportedly planing to spend this year’s holiday gathering cherishing the few strands of hair still clinging to the head of their beloved Uncle, Jeremy.
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
In a shocking turn of events, 10 individuals have bravely stepped forward to declare their willingness to be governor of New Jersey, a position that requires equal parts legislative savvy and the ability to survive Route 1 traffic during rush hour.
In an exclusive interview with NewsTime News where they paid us, Independence Blue Cross (IBX) proudly announced its commitment to providing a nurturing and supportive environment for children—much like a perfect parent, but with deductibles.
Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
In a groundbreaking off-field achievement, Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquon Barkley has been officially recognized as the NFL's all-time Best Babysitter. This honor comes after Barkley seamlessly balanced his rigorous training schedule with a weekend of babysitting duties for head coach Nick Sirianni's three energetic children.
After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
Local police officer Brian O’Connor thought he was infiltrating an underground car meetup to bust organizers for street racing and illegal modifications. Instead, he found himself deeply entangled in a world of drag races, complex moral dilemmas, and one too many Corona-fueled barbecues.
In what is being described as a “culinary hostage situation,” local grandmother Margaret Whitman is reportedly yelling into her dining room from her kitchen to inform family members that, “Somebody will be taking these leftovers home with them.”
In what has become a yearly tradition, local man Greg Simmons is once again treating the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot like it’s the Olympic Trials, much to the dismay of his family and casual joggers everywhere.
“Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
In a groundbreaking feat of linguistic dexterity and world-class deflection, the Philadelphia 76ers have officially set the NBA record for the highest number of "It's still early in the season" quotes uttered by players, coaches, and front office staff — and they’ve done it before November.
Despite his jolly reputation, Santa Claus is facing mounting criticism from Mrs. Claus after yet another Christmas Eve spent tracking mud, soot, and "God knows what else" all over their pristine North Pole cottage.