OUTRAGE: Another Man Asks Innocent Citizen If They’ve Ever Had a REAL Bagel
AMERICA UNDER ATTACK — In yet another assault on freedom and common decency, sources confirm that an unidentified man has approached an unsuspecting citizen—again—with the age-old, unsolicited question: “But have you ever had a real bagel?” This latest incident, which took place at an undisclosed location (but, let’s be honest, probably near a coffee shop), has left many wondering: How much more of this can we take?
For years, hardworking, law-abiding Americans—many of whom simply want to enjoy their breakfast in peace—have faced this growing epidemic of self-appointed Bagel Authorities, all of whom are middle-aged white men. These men, often armed with unwavering confidence and anecdotal evidence about the magical properties of New York City tap water, have been terrorizing innocent bagel consumers across the nation.
Reports indicate that this particular bagel-splainer wasted no time launching into the standard script:
Step One: Express visible disgust at your current bagel choice.
Step Two: Ask, in a tone dripping with condescension, if you have ever had a real bagel.
Step Three: Proceed to deliver a long, unnecessary monologue about how true bagels must be boiled, preferably in a secret chamber beneath Brooklyn.
“Honestly, I knew it was coming. I could feel it,” said the latest victim, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fears of further unsolicited bagel discourse. “He saw my bagel, he made a face, and I just braced myself. I thought maybe I could escape, but no. He locked in, and I knew I was trapped.”
The attacker reportedly followed up his initial line of questioning with additional, deeply disturbing remarks, such as:
“Where did you get that? No, seriously. Where?”
“That’s not a bagel. That’s just round bread.”
“I know a place. It’ll change your life.”
Authorities warn that these confrontations often escalate to extreme judgment upon discovery of flavors deemed “illegitimate,” such as asiago or cinnamon raisin. “It’s a slippery slope,” one expert told us. “You start with ‘Have you ever had a real bagel?’ and the next thing you know, they’re aggressively recommending a bagel shop that requires a two-hour wait and a verbal abuse session from the staff.”
The latest victim is reportedly recovering well and has since switched to eating bagels in secret. However, the threat remains. Experts predict that another man will repeat this cycle within 24 to 48 hours.
Stay vigilant, America. This will happen again.
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