America News
In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.”
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
A local man has emerged as the world’s first superhero after a freak raw milk accident left him with extraordinary, and wholly unexplainable, powers. Jim Meadows, 34, was just your average suburban, casual fan of alternative health trends, enjoying a raw milk smoothie in his kitchen when disaster struck.
Doug Timmons of Topeka, Kansas, has become the world’s first Camel Cash billionaire. Timmons’ rise comes as investors worldwide are abandoning cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum in favor of something they perceive as more stable and less destructive: Camel Cash, the forgotten cigarette-pack currency of the 1990s.
As the holiday season approaches, families across the nation are gearing up for another round of traditions, turkey, and tactful conversational tiptoeing. Sources report that, once again, many are bracing for the annual struggle to avoid any scenario where a loved ones real opinion could accidentally surface and detonate the delicate peace like a flaming yule log in a gas station.
Parenting a tween boy is a wild ride. One day, they’re obsessively collecting Pokémon cards, and the next, they’re aggressively shoving a turtleneck into their gaping maw like it’s a competitive eating contest. But don’t worry—we’ve got you covered! Here are eight sweaters perfect for your tween son’s inexplicable need to chew on fabric.
In a tragedy of quaking consumer enthusiasm, more than 600 baby boomers have been found dead after weekend in what authorities are calling “the most dangerous retail event since Black Friday 2008.”
A contentious debate is raging across the nation: are guns actually responsible for the startling rise in things and people being shot, or are things simply becoming easier to shoot on their own?
The cast of Discovery’s MILF Manor has expressed frustration after being overlooked for Cabinet positions in President-elect Donald Trump's administration, despite the inclusion of individuals with backgrounds they deem comparable.
As the transportation and booking of Luigi Mangione, the devastatingly attractive suspect in the United Healthcare CEO shooting, continues to captivate the nation, a shocking new development has sent social media into a collective spiral: not only is Mangione absurdly handsome, but his family is also reportedly loaded.
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Authorities confirmed Tuesday that Luigi Mangione, the 32-year-old Italian-American man accused of fatally shooting United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been formally charged with first-degree murder—and, notably, with four counts of being an absolute knockout.
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.
In a groundbreaking moment for intergenerational linguistic evolution, Gen Z collectively discovered the existence of the Oxford English Dictionary this week after the prestigious institution named "brain rot" as its Word of the Year.
In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
Ah, the holidays: a time for joy, family, and strategically avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse. Lucky for you, this season’s TV deals are hotter than your most recent argument about who forgot to buy the eggnog. So, pour yourself a stiff drink, park your existential dread in front of one of these giant screens, and bask in the warm glow of willful ignorance.
In a bold move aimed at “protecting American-made families,” former President Donald Trump announced new tariffs on foreign wives imported from Mexico and China, claiming it was time to “put American women first.”
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.
In what experts are hailing as a groundbreaking feat of endurance, local man Kyle Ferguson shattered previous records by falling asleep just nine minutes into Thursday’s Thanksgiving NFL matchup.
As Thanksgiving approaches, aunts across the nation are reportedly gearing up to make a casual yet deeply problematic comment at family dinner tables, sources confirmed Monday.
While experts quickly identified “glicked” as a hybrid of Gladiator 2 and Wicked—two of November’s most anticipated films—none could explain how the word came to signify an emotion, let alone an expression of excitement.
“If you miss this Black Friday, you may as well crawl into a cave and live off moss, you piss-covered failure,” said corporate spokesperson Janet Wiles, who confirmed that absolutely everything—yes, even that—is on sale for a price so low it could make you froth milk with your jittery little hands.
NASA announced recently that its Artemis III moon mission has been indefinitely postponed after astronauts reported that the lunar Wi-Fi was incapable of sustaining a single uninterrupted TikTok livestream, let alone their planned Netflix binge of The Crown.
In a display of collective discomfort, the United States has announced that it’s “just not ready” to have a conversation about why it keeps voting for a man whose platform seems to hinge on a profound disdain for gay people.
In a cultural shift that no one asked for, a growing faction of self-proclaimed INCELs (involuntary celibates) has adopted Kelly Clarkson’s 2009 pop hit "I Do Not Hook Up" as their unofficial anthem of defiant celibacy.
In a move described by critics as “incredibly on-brand,” newly appointed Head of Medicare Dr. Mehmet Oz has unveiled his revolutionary plan to provide free healthcare to all Americans—so long as they agree to appear on his talk show and endure a public analysis of their “deeply concerning lifestyle choices and shockingly poor posture.”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.
In an emergency press conference held early Tuesday morning, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a stark warning to the nation: “America cannot continue to run on Dunkin’ without catastrophic consequences.”
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.