America News
A newly released batch of CIA documents has revealed that, despite the global impact of the Apollo 11 mission, the actual time American astronauts spent on the lunar surface was surprisingly brief — a detail U.S. officials at the time quietly downplayed.
In an accidental triumph of avant-garde art, Wall Street traders have inadvertently birthed a groundbreaking new genre of music amid financial bedlam: "Fiscalcore Jazz."
In an unprecedented display of vitality, President Donald Trump has reportedly set a new world record for the highest vertical jump during his annual physical examination at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
TV viewers have been spoiled this Spring by an avalanche of great TV shows airing new seasons or making their debuts such as Severance, White Lotus, The Pitt, and The Studio, but Netflix’s limited series ‘Adolescence’ is making one of the biggest splashes due to its intense, realistic portrayal of a family’s reckoning with their 13 year old son’s murder of a classmate.
In a ceremony that can only be described as the pinnacle of patriotism, President Donald J. Trump’s Cabinet gathered at Mar-a-Lago last night to pledge their unwavering loyalty—sealed in blood.
five high-profile koalas have seen their investment portfolios plummet following the United States' recent imposition of sweeping tariffs under President Donald Trump's "Liberation Day" initiative.
Riding high on his current hot streak with starring roles in Fallout, The White Lotus Season 3, and his cult-favorite turn as Baby Billy in The Righteous Gemstones, Walton Goggins has decided it’s time to truly bare all—literally.
A massive 8.7-magnitude earthquake in Myanmar has not only rocked the nation but also awakened "Grumbla'Rok the Seismic Sovereign", an ancient tectonic beast long slumbering beneath the Earth’s crust.
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
Once the undisputed symbol of youthful rebellion, creative enlightenment, and low-stakes criminal mischief, marijuana is experiencing a severe image crisis in the wake of widespread legalization. A new study from the Pew Research Center shows that marijuana’s “cool factor” has dropped to historic lows, ranking just above drinking kombucha and slightly below having a skateboard.
In a stunning victory for America’s values, Vice President JD Vance has accomplished something that the radical left and their allies in the fake news media said was impossible: he has gone an entire week without soiling himself. Yes, you read that correctly.
FanDuel has announced the launch of a new educational initiative titled "Bet Smarter, Not Harder." The free seminar promises to teach attendees the dangers of gambling addiction and the importance of setting limits — while simultaneously handing out $250 in free betting credits to everyone who shows up.
In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.
Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."
A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.
America, the great and noble land of opportunity, is finally being saved from the suffocating grip of the radical left’s cancel culture. President Donald J. Trump—our fearless leader, the champion of freedom, the greatest businessman of all time—is stepping up once again to undo the damage done by years of feminist tyranny in the workplace.
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
Despite years of federal funding, urban renewal projects, and the desperate prayers of its citizens, a new report confirms what Americans have long suspected: New Jersey is still a complete shithole. The study, conducted by the Institute for Urban Realities, found that New Jersey has maintained its title as the nation’s sand dumpster, citing a potent combination of oppressive taxation, rampant crime, and an overall aesthetic best described as “New York’s unflushed toilet.”
Folks, we have yet another example of America’s elites rubbing their privilege in the faces of real, hardworking travelers. Meet Jeff Lancaster: a so-called “Comfort Plus” passenger who loves watching everyday Americans trudge past him to the cramped back rows, all while enjoying his extra two inches of legroom like some kind of airport aristocrat.
Sources close to the duo report that Elon Musk has graciously decided to let Donald Trump take the car out on Friday night—but only if he promises to be home by 11 PM and charges the Tesla before he gets home. "It's important to teach responsibility," Musk explained at a recent press conference, where he spoke about the challenges of parenting an excitable president. "Donald really wanted to go out with his friends, but I had to remind him that borrowing the car comes with conditions. We can't have him joyriding around Mar-a-Lago with Steve Bannon in the passenger seat, blaring Kid Rock again."
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed yesterday to consuming the country's entire egg supply. "I couldn't help myself," Kennedy admitted in a press conference, yolk still visible on his tie. "Every time I saw an egg, I just had to eat it. Omelets, scrambles, even raw – you name it, I ate it." This startling admission comes as Americans face soaring egg prices, with some states reporting costs up to $10 per dozen. Retailers like Trader Joe's have implemented purchase limits to manage the dwindling supply.
The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."
Despite numerous attempts at diplomacy, the bitter feud between actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni shows no sign of abating, with tensions escalating to Cold War-levels of passive-aggressive social media posts and cryptic late-night talk show jabs.
A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”
In a masterclass of raw leadership and strategic dominance, Vice President JD Vance stunned the world at the Munich Security Conference by unveiling what he proudly called his "glorious, cut, penis" in a bold and unprecedented act of diplomatic brilliance.
In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.