America News
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
Once the undisputed symbol of youthful rebellion, creative enlightenment, and low-stakes criminal mischief, marijuana is experiencing a severe image crisis in the wake of widespread legalization. A new study from the Pew Research Center shows that marijuana’s “cool factor” has dropped to historic lows, ranking just above drinking kombucha and slightly below having a skateboard.
In a stunning victory for America’s values, Vice President JD Vance has accomplished something that the radical left and their allies in the fake news media said was impossible: he has gone an entire week without soiling himself. Yes, you read that correctly.
FanDuel has announced the launch of a new educational initiative titled "Bet Smarter, Not Harder." The free seminar promises to teach attendees the dangers of gambling addiction and the importance of setting limits — while simultaneously handing out $250 in free betting credits to everyone who shows up.
In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.
Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."
A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.
America, the great and noble land of opportunity, is finally being saved from the suffocating grip of the radical left’s cancel culture. President Donald J. Trump—our fearless leader, the champion of freedom, the greatest businessman of all time—is stepping up once again to undo the damage done by years of feminist tyranny in the workplace.
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
Despite years of federal funding, urban renewal projects, and the desperate prayers of its citizens, a new report confirms what Americans have long suspected: New Jersey is still a complete shithole. The study, conducted by the Institute for Urban Realities, found that New Jersey has maintained its title as the nation’s sand dumpster, citing a potent combination of oppressive taxation, rampant crime, and an overall aesthetic best described as “New York’s unflushed toilet.”
Folks, we have yet another example of America’s elites rubbing their privilege in the faces of real, hardworking travelers. Meet Jeff Lancaster: a so-called “Comfort Plus” passenger who loves watching everyday Americans trudge past him to the cramped back rows, all while enjoying his extra two inches of legroom like some kind of airport aristocrat.
Sources close to the duo report that Elon Musk has graciously decided to let Donald Trump take the car out on Friday night—but only if he promises to be home by 11 PM and charges the Tesla before he gets home. "It's important to teach responsibility," Musk explained at a recent press conference, where he spoke about the challenges of parenting an excitable president. "Donald really wanted to go out with his friends, but I had to remind him that borrowing the car comes with conditions. We can't have him joyriding around Mar-a-Lago with Steve Bannon in the passenger seat, blaring Kid Rock again."
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed yesterday to consuming the country's entire egg supply. "I couldn't help myself," Kennedy admitted in a press conference, yolk still visible on his tie. "Every time I saw an egg, I just had to eat it. Omelets, scrambles, even raw – you name it, I ate it." This startling admission comes as Americans face soaring egg prices, with some states reporting costs up to $10 per dozen. Retailers like Trader Joe's have implemented purchase limits to manage the dwindling supply.
The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."
Despite numerous attempts at diplomacy, the bitter feud between actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni shows no sign of abating, with tensions escalating to Cold War-levels of passive-aggressive social media posts and cryptic late-night talk show jabs.
A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”
In a masterclass of raw leadership and strategic dominance, Vice President JD Vance stunned the world at the Munich Security Conference by unveiling what he proudly called his "glorious, cut, penis" in a bold and unprecedented act of diplomatic brilliance.
In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.
Media analysts report that 2025 has seen a dramatic decline in filler news content, leaving Americans dangerously overexposed to actual, substantive information. Since President Trump’s return to office and the abrupt launch of a global tariff war that economists are describing as either “a 4D chess move,” or “basically a game of Jenga,” news outlets have struggled to find time for their usual steady diet of feel-good puppy stories, TikTok trends, and breathless speculation about celebrity Instagram likes.
Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.
As the Philadelphia Eagles prepare for Super Bowl LIX, kicker Jake Elliott has achieved the dubious distinction of being statistically the worst kicker to ever grace the game's grandest stage. Let's delve into the numbers that highlight this unprecedented level of ineptitude.
The air is thick with anticipation as the biggest boys in the land prepare for the biggest game of the year. Yes, it’s that time again—when big men in tight pants collide with each other at full speed while America collectively consumes cheese. The Super Bowl, known officially as “The Most Important Day in America (Other Than Black Friday),” is set to feature the two largest groups of large men who have trained their entire lives to move the ball. The stakes? Immortality, corporate sponsorships, and at least 30 minutes of ads that remind us about cars.
Doctors who once described Joe Biden’s mental acuity as a matter of “grave national concern” during his presidency now agree that his condition has transitioned into what can only be called “endearingly adorable.”
In a world where nachos flow freely, and the halftime show gets debated for weeks, nothing stirs the soul—or the tear ducts—quite like an emotionally manipulative Super Bowl commercial. If you’ve ever found yourself at a Super Bowl party, nacho in hand, facing a friend who just returned from the bathroom with red, watery eyes, here’s a step-by-step guide to navigate this emotionally charged moment.
The NFL announced today that this year’s Super Bowl National Anthem will be performed by none other than the enigmatic and legendary, wickedly talented, Adele Dazeem, famously introduced to the world by John Travolta during the 2014 Academy Awards.
Director Michael Bay has reportedly acquired the film rights to the recent tragic mid-air collision over the Potomac River. The incident, which occurred on January 29, 2025, involved an American Airlines Bombardier CRJ700 passenger jet and a U.S. Army UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, resulting in the loss of all 67 individuals on board both aircraft.