REPORT: New Jersey Still Shithole
NEWARK, NJ — Despite years of federal funding, urban renewal projects, and the desperate prayers of its citizens, a new report confirms what Americans have long suspected: New Jersey is still a complete shithole. The study, conducted by the Institute for Urban Realities, found that New Jersey has maintained its title as the nation’s sand dumpster, citing a potent combination of oppressive taxation, rampant crime, and an overall aesthetic best described as “New York’s unflushed toilet.”
“This is just another tragic example of bureaucracy in action,” said local analyst Gary Thornton. “The people of New Jersey have been promised improvements for decades, but instead, they got the Garden State Parkway at rush hour, a governor whose approval rating is the inverse of the state’s air pollution levels, and enough potholes to make off-roading a daily commute.”
State leaders have dismissed the report as “highly inaccurate” and “probably written by someone from Florida.” Governor Phil Murphey took to social media to defend the state, writing, “New Jersey is a cultural and economic powerhouse, and we remain proud of our hard-working citizens and robust economy.”
However, critics point out that the state remains home to some of the highest property taxes in the nation, a smell that can only be described as “chemical farts,” and enough traffic congestion to make an Angelino want to stay home.
At the heart of New Jersey’s ongoing struggles is its biggest city, Newark, which continues to rank among America’s leading destinations for carjackings, urban decay, and the inspiration for dystopian video games.
Despite overwhelming evidence, federal investment continues to pour into New Jersey, funneling billions into infrastructure projects that, according to experts, will ultimately “be washed away in the next hurricane or creative accounting scheme.”
Meanwhile, the state’s tourism board has launched a new campaign aimed at attracting visitors, boasting the slogan: “New Jersey: You Know What It Is.”
With no end in sight to the state’s ongoing struggles, many Americans are left wondering: how is it possible that New Jersey still exists? For now, experts say the most plausible answer remains, “Because someone has to pump gas for the rest of us.”
You may also like:
