Musk To Monologue Now That There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop His Plan To Conquer Earth
In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.”
BREAKING: Chi-Chi's a Hit Now?
Formerly best known for a 2003 Hepatitis A outbreak and a vague association with your mom’s favorite "Mexican" restaurant in the ‘90s, Chi-Chi’s has somehow become the place to see and be seen.
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
Superhero Born In Freak Raw Milk Accident
A local man has emerged as the world’s first superhero after a freak raw milk accident left him with extraordinary, and wholly unexplainable, powers. Jim Meadows, 34, was just your average suburban, casual fan of alternative health trends, enjoying a raw milk smoothie in his kitchen when disaster struck.
First Camel Cash Billionaire Emerges as Investors Flock to “Less Destructive” Alternative to Bitcoin
Doug Timmons of Topeka, Kansas, has become the world’s first Camel Cash billionaire. Timmons’ rise comes as investors worldwide are abandoning cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum in favor of something they perceive as more stable and less destructive: Camel Cash, the forgotten cigarette-pack currency of the 1990s.
Families Once Again Concerned That Hearing Each Other's Real Opinions Could Ruin Holiday
As the holiday season approaches, families across the nation are gearing up for another round of traditions, turkey, and tactful conversational tiptoeing. Sources report that, once again, many are bracing for the annual struggle to avoid any scenario where a loved ones real opinion could accidentally surface and detonate the delicate peace like a flaming yule log in a gas station.
8 Sweaters Your Tween Son Will Put In His Mouth
Parenting a tween boy is a wild ride. One day, they’re obsessively collecting Pokémon cards, and the next, they’re aggressively shoving a turtleneck into their gaping maw like it’s a competitive eating contest. But don’t worry—we’ve got you covered! Here are eight sweaters perfect for your tween son’s inexplicable need to chew on fabric.
TRAGEDY: Over 600 Boomers Found Dead In Wake of Lands’ End Sale Frenzy
In a tragedy of quaking consumer enthusiasm, more than 600 baby boomers have been found dead after weekend in what authorities are calling “the most dangerous retail event since Black Friday 2008.”
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK: Do Guns Make It Easier To Shoot Things?
A contentious debate is raging across the nation: are guns actually responsible for the startling rise in things and people being shot, or are things simply becoming easier to shoot on their own?
MILF Manor Cast Feels Slighted After Being Passed Over for Trump Cabinet Appointments
The cast of Discovery’s MILF Manor has expressed frustration after being overlooked for Cabinet positions in President-elect Donald Trump's administration, despite the inclusion of individuals with backgrounds they deem comparable.
Senators Gather to Threaten The Unhoused, Again
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.
Ooh My God! AND His Family Has Money?!
As the transportation and booking of Luigi Mangione, the devastatingly attractive suspect in the United Healthcare CEO shooting, continues to captivate the nation, a shocking new development has sent social media into a collective spiral: not only is Mangione absurdly handsome, but his family is also reportedly loaded.
God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Luigi Mangione Charged With Murder and At Least Four Counts Of Being A Total Snack
Authorities confirmed Tuesday that Luigi Mangione, the 32-year-old Italian-American man accused of fatally shooting United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been formally charged with first-degree murder—and, notably, with four counts of being an absolute knockout.
Trump Nominates Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch as U.S. Poet Laureate
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.
Gen Z Discovers What Oxford Dictionary Is As "Brain Rot" Is Dubbed “Word of the Year”
In a groundbreaking moment for intergenerational linguistic evolution, Gen Z collectively discovered the existence of the Oxford English Dictionary this week after the prestigious institution named "brain rot" as its Word of the Year.
Joe Biden Sets Really Strict Parental Controls on Hunter’s New Laptop Post-Pardon
In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
9 Holiday TV Deals Guaranteed to Distract You from Your Marriage for At Least a Week
Ah, the holidays: a time for joy, family, and strategically avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse. Lucky for you, this season’s TV deals are hotter than your most recent argument about who forgot to buy the eggnog. So, pour yourself a stiff drink, park your existential dread in front of one of these giant screens, and bask in the warm glow of willful ignorance.
Trump Slaps Huge Tariffs On Wives Purchased From Mexico And China
In a bold move aimed at “protecting American-made families,” former President Donald Trump announced new tariffs on foreign wives imported from Mexico and China, claiming it was time to “put American women first.”
REPORT: Americans, Out Of Ideas, To Finally Buy Crosley Suitcase Record Player
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.