Trump Sets Record For Worlds Highest Jump
In an unprecedented display of vitality, President Donald Trump has reportedly set a new world record for the highest vertical jump during his annual physical examination at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
SCARY: Could Your Child’s Soccer Coach Be A Terrorist?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Text Groups Explode As First Halftime Show Opinions Roll In
Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.
By The Numbers: Jake Elliott Worst Kicker Ever In Super Bowl
As the Philadelphia Eagles prepare for Super Bowl LIX, kicker Jake Elliott has achieved the dubious distinction of being statistically the worst kicker to ever grace the game's grandest stage. Let's delve into the numbers that highlight this unprecedented level of ineptitude.
All Big Boys Ready for Biggest Game
The air is thick with anticipation as the biggest boys in the land prepare for the biggest game of the year. Yes, it’s that time again—when big men in tight pants collide with each other at full speed while America collectively consumes cheese. The Super Bowl, known officially as “The Most Important Day in America (Other Than Black Friday),” is set to feature the two largest groups of large men who have trained their entire lives to move the ball. The stakes? Immortality, corporate sponsorships, and at least 30 minutes of ads that remind us about cars.
How To Talk To A Friend Who Just Came Back From The Bathroom With Red Eyes After An Emotional Super Bowl Commercial
In a world where nachos flow freely, and the halftime show gets debated for weeks, nothing stirs the soul—or the tear ducts—quite like an emotionally manipulative Super Bowl commercial. If you’ve ever found yourself at a Super Bowl party, nacho in hand, facing a friend who just returned from the bathroom with red, watery eyes, here’s a step-by-step guide to navigate this emotionally charged moment.
Super Bowl National Anthem to Be Sung By “Wickedly Talented” Adele Dazeem
The NFL announced today that this year’s Super Bowl National Anthem will be performed by none other than the enigmatic and legendary, wickedly talented, Adele Dazeem, famously introduced to the world by John Travolta during the 2014 Academy Awards.
Gov. Josh Shapiro Circling Eagles Practice in Helicopter Before Super Bowl
In an unprecedented display of gubernatorial support, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro was spotted hovering over the Philadelphia Eagles’ practice field in a helicopter this Monday. According to sources close to the situation, the governor is not merely cheering from above but actively collaborating with head coach Nick Sirianni to ensure the Eagles secure their Super Bowl win next Sunday.
Philly To Leave 72 Vacated Rite-Aids Empty In Case Eagles Have Anything To Do With Super Bowl
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
Talking Food, Sex & Travel With Lincoln, The Eagle That Swoops Into The Stadium Before Eagles Games
Every Philadelphia Eagles home game begins the same way: a piercing scream, a rush of wind, and the majestic sight of Lincoln, the stadium’s resident bald eagle, soaring across the sky. But beyond the theatrics, who is Lincoln? What drives the most famous avian icon in football?
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
City Council To Squeeze More Money From Sixers Stadium Deal Before Voting
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
Saquon Barkley Sets NFL Record as Best Overall Babysitter
In a groundbreaking off-field achievement, Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquon Barkley has been officially recognized as the NFL's all-time Best Babysitter. This honor comes after Barkley seamlessly balanced his rigorous training schedule with a weekend of babysitting duties for head coach Nick Sirianni's three energetic children.
NFL RECORD: Man Falls Asleep Nine Minutes Into Thanksgiving Day Game
In what experts are hailing as a groundbreaking feat of endurance, local man Kyle Ferguson shattered previous records by falling asleep just nine minutes into Thursday’s Thanksgiving NFL matchup.
BREAKING: Area Man Taking Turkey Trot Way Too Seriously Again
In what has become a yearly tradition, local man Greg Simmons is once again treating the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot like it’s the Olympic Trials, much to the dismay of his family and casual joggers everywhere.
Cherelle Parker Tells 76ers, “Losers Don’t Get New Stadiums”
“Let me be clear: you don’t get to start three and twelve then ask for prime real estate,” Parker said, holding up a copy of the team's dismal postseason stats for emphasis. “Losers don’t get new stadiums. Not in this city.”
INSPIRING: Vape Teen Looking To Transition To Vape Tricks Young Adult
Local 17-year-old Kyle Miller announced Monday that he’s ready to take his vaping hobby to the next level, transitioning from being a teen who vapes in the mall parking lot to a young adult wowing bar patios and small house parties with increasingly complex vape tricks.
Experts Say 4% Chance Mike Tyson & Jake Paul Will Kiss
A group of highly respected statisticians announced Friday that there is a 4% chance that YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul and legendary heavyweight champion Mike Tyson will accidentally kiss during their upcoming exhibition match.
Sixers Set Record For Most “Early In The Season” Press Quotes
In a groundbreaking feat of linguistic dexterity and world-class deflection, the Philadelphia 76ers have officially set the NBA record for the highest number of "It's still early in the season" quotes uttered by players, coaches, and front office staff — and they’ve done it before November.
LA Collectively Takes Moment to Add Dodgers Fandom to Their Character Backstories
“It’s an LA thing,” said Marcus W., a graphic designer who had been a Yankees fan up until approximately noon today. Marcus reportedly spent the morning constructing his Dodger-fan origin story, which involved “vivid” recollections of summer nights spent at Dodger Stadium with his “Uncle Jerry, who’s a big Dodgers fan, obviously.” When pressed, Marcus admitted in a teary eyed confession that “Uncle Jerry would have loved to see this,” before taking a little bow and holding for applause.