SCARY: Could Your Child’s Soccer Coach Be A Terrorist?
YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD — Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
As America grapples with the overwhelming threat of immigration (which we assure you is definitely terrifying), we at NewsTime News feel it’s our duty to sound the alarm. President Trump has made some moves that allow some immigrants to stay, but let’s not get complacent. After all, the nice foreign guy coaching your child’s soccer team might not just be an immigrant—he could be something much worse.
You might think, “But my kid’s coach is great! He volunteers! He teaches teamwork!” Classic terrorist behavior. They want you to trust them, to let your guard down. Next thing you know, you’re attending “team potlucks” where suspiciously ethnic dishes are served, exposing your child to different cultures. Think about it.
It may look like harmless dribbling drills, but what if they’re actually training for something else? What if that group stretching session is just a cover for some kind of sleeper-cell exercise? We don’t have any evidence for this, but isn’t that even scarier? The fact that we can’t prove it means they could be doing anything! And that should terrify you.
Look, we know this all seems a little far-fetched. But here at NTN, our job is to make you so scared that you’ll be easier to manipulate. Because a fearful public is a compliant public. If we didn’t hit you with scenarios like “Your kid’s soccer coach might be a terrorist,” you might start asking questions—like whether some policies are actually necessary or if we’re just making stuff up to keep you in a permanent state of hysteria. And we can’t have that.
This is just the beginning. In the coming weeks, expect more terrifying stories about everyday people who might be threats (but also might not be). Your neighbor? Your Uber driver? That friendly barista who made your latte a little too perfectly? Who can you really trust?
The best course of action is panic. Lots of it. Report anyone who makes you feel vaguely uneasy. Share this article on Facebook with the caption “SHOCKING: MUST READ!” so that more people can be afraid, too. Call your local representatives and demand that we do something—even if we’re not sure what that something is. And most importantly, stay tuned to NTN, where we’ll keep you scared, confused, and ready to act against whoever we say the bad guys are this week.
Because when it comes to your child’s safety, it’s better to be terrified than reasonable. Trust us.
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