WIN FOR AMERICA: Netflix Show ‘Adolescence’ is British, Not Applicable to Them
TV viewers have been spoiled this Spring by an avalanche of great TV shows airing new seasons or making their debuts such as Severance, White Lotus, The Pitt, and The Studio, but Netflix’s limited series ‘Adolescence’ is making one of the biggest splashes due to its intense, realistic portrayal of a family’s reckoning with their 13 year old son’s murder of a classmate.
Sleight on Trump's Penis Has Set Off the Plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember
A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
Local Parents Total Fucking Fascists
16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fucking fascism" within his own household.
5 Cheesesteaks That Will Get Him To Agree To Hang Out — And Not To Talk About How You're Better As Friends
It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.
FanDuel Holds 'Responsible Betting Seminar' Where Every Attendee Gets $250 In Free Credits
FanDuel has announced the launch of a new educational initiative titled "Bet Smarter, Not Harder." The free seminar promises to teach attendees the dangers of gambling addiction and the importance of setting limits — while simultaneously handing out $250 in free betting credits to everyone who shows up.
Children's Book Clearly A 'Gender Theory Manifesto,' Say Concerned Parents
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
SCARY: Could Your Child’s Soccer Coach Be A Terrorist?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Trump To Eliminate DEI From Drinking Fountains
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
Trump Enacts Prima Nocta
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."
SCIENCE: New Study Finds Americans Now 1% Soda
A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”
How To Talk To A Friend Who Just Came Back From The Bathroom With Red Eyes After An Emotional Super Bowl Commercial
In a world where nachos flow freely, and the halftime show gets debated for weeks, nothing stirs the soul—or the tear ducts—quite like an emotionally manipulative Super Bowl commercial. If you’ve ever found yourself at a Super Bowl party, nacho in hand, facing a friend who just returned from the bathroom with red, watery eyes, here’s a step-by-step guide to navigate this emotionally charged moment.
Fat Cat Government Employee Goes To Doctor
In a shocking display of opulence and healthcare coverage, mid-ranking government employee Karen Hensley, a Regional Policy Coordinator at the Bureau of Urban Zoning, was spotted doing the unthinkable: visiting a doctor.
Katy Perry's 'Lifetimes' Tour to Feature AI Holograms of Engaged Audience Members
Katy Perry announced that her upcoming Lifetimes tour will feature AI-generated holograms of excited audience members, ensuring an energetic atmosphere even if real attendees remain emotionally uninvested or non-existent. “We’re using cutting-edge technology to project enthusiastic fans into the arena,” Perry revealed in a press conference, where reporters noted she seemed slightly pixelated herself. “The AI will generate crowd reactions in real-time, so I never have to worry about a dead audience.”
Local Party Goer Sits In Wet Chair First Thing
Local man Craig Dobbins made the rookie mistake of sitting in a visibly wet patio chair within 30 seconds of arriving at a neighborhood party last Saturday. Witnesses say the incident occurred just as the host cheerfully shouted, “Come on in! Make yourself at home!”—a suggestion Dobbins took far too literally.
Police Stamp Out Sunflower Growing In Wrong Neighborhood
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Friends Start Using Group Text Without You As Main One
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.