Police Stamp Out Sunflower Growing In Wrong Neighborhood
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Friends Start Using Group Text Without You As Main One
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.