Sleight on Trump's Penis Has Set Off the Plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember
WASHINGTON D.C., U.S.A. —A small sleight on President Donald Trump’s penis size has inadvertently triggered a chain of events that is the exact plot of Austin Powers: Goldmember.
The drama began when President Trump, while addressing the nation from the White House, was asked an unexpectedly pointed question by CNN’s Jim Acosta.
"Mr. President, how do you respond to reports that Stormy Daniels described your penis as resembling a toadstool?"
Trump, clearly rattled, initially waved off the question. "Fake news! LIES! Believe me, I have the best penis, the best. Everybody says so. In fact, it's YUGE! You wouldn’t even believe it!"
Moments later, Trump adjusted his tie — and that's when the trouble started.
According to White House insiders, Trump's tie adjustment activated a secret button beneath the Resolute Desk, which had been installed during the Nixon administration under the code name Project Goldenrod. The button opened a hidden compartment in the Oval Office floor, revealing a golden key attached to a… suspiciously phallic-shaped object.
Security footage shows Trump, confused but intrigued, grabbing the golden key. That's when the floor beneath him gave way, sending him down a long, twisting chute — straight into a hidden underground lair.
At the same moment, Dr. Evil, long believed to be fictional, was awakened from a state of cryogenic suspension beneath Mar-a-Lago. A video feed from the lair confirmed the worst:
"Ahhh, Mr. Trump… You have activated the Golden Member. And now… it’s time to bring the world to its knees. Literally."
According to White House sources, Dr. Evil’s plan involves the construction of a giant phallic-shaped space laser named "Preparation H" aimed directly at the moon. The laser, powered by Trump's fragile ego and "small hands energy," threatens to carve Trump's face into the moon unless the world meets Dr. Evil’s demand of ONE… TRILLION… DOLLARS.
CIA Director Mike Pompeo immediately contacted British Intelligence, who confirmed that Austin Powers — yes, the actual Austin Powers — had been placed in cryogenic storage in the late 1990s "just in case."
The International Man of Mystery was quickly defrosted and held a press conference, strutting onto the stage in a crushed velvet suit and oversized medallion.
"Yeah, baby! Looks like Dr. Evil is up to his old tricks — and this time, the stakes are even bigger! Or maybe smaller? Depends who you ask!"
Austin, alongside his father Nigel Powers), was last seen boarding a supersonic jet bound for Dr. Evil’s lair. According to intelligence reports, Powers will be infiltrating the lair with assistance from his old flame, Foxxy Cleopatra (now the U.S. Secretary of State).
Meanwhile, Trump has been fitted with a metallic golden chastity belt — codenamed The Goldmember — to prevent further accidental activations. Trump, however, remains in denial.
"This whole thing is ridiculous! I have tremendous control over my member. Melania tells me it’s perfect. No one’s ever seen anything like it!"
Stormy Daniels, when asked for comment, responded:
"Honestly, I’m just glad it’s someone else’s problem now."
As Dr. Evil's golden submarine (also suspiciously phallic-shaped) approaches the East Coast, Austin Powers remains optimistic.
"All I need is my mojo and a little help from Foxxy — and this Dr. Evil guy is going down faster than Trump's approval rating!"
At press time, Congress had approved emergency funding for Operation Shagadelic — with bipartisan support. Mitch McConnell was seen awkwardly practicing karate moves, while Nancy Pelosi was spotted wearing a leopard-print minidress and platform boots.
When asked if he had any final words for Dr. Evil, Trump simply replied:
"Tell him I have the biggest member. The best. Even better than Austin’s. Everyone knows it!"
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