FINALLY: We Analyzed Every Frame of Mad Men to Make a 3D Model of Jon Hamm's Penis
After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis. And yes, the results are exactly as impressive as you were hoping.
For years, the internet has been awash with whispers and grainy images of Hamm walking through the streets of New York, his well-tailored pants seemingly doing the work of a David Attenborough documentary on the majesty of nature. But now, thanks to advanced machine learning algorithms and meticulous frame-by-frame analysis of Mad Men's seven-season run, the world finally knows the truth.
"We fed every single frame of Mad Men into a proprietary neural network," said Dr. Emily Finkelstein, lead researcher at the Institute for Phallic Computational Studies. "We used cutting-edge AI technology to analyze the drape of his pants, the shadowing, and even the subtle movement patterns as he sat down or crossed his legs. From there, the AI constructed a comprehensive 3D model — complete with texturing and accurate physics."
The team reportedly ran into some challenges when it came to the technical limitations of their model.
"The algorithm initially thought his penis was two separate entities because of the way it would shift depending on the type of suit Don Draper was wearing," Finkelstein explained. "But after we adjusted for fabric elasticity and gravitational effects, we finally got a cohesive model that matched all known photographic evidence."
The 3D rendering, which has been described as "a cross between Michelangelo's David and a veiny baguette," has already sent shockwaves through both the scientific community and the broader pop culture landscape.
"It’s beautiful," said one anonymous art critic. "It's got that classical symmetry but with a modern, almost post-ironic sensibility. You can really see the Draper influence."
However, not everyone is thrilled with the discovery. Jon Hamm’s publicist released a brief statement:
"Jon would like to remind everyone that he is more than just a penis. He’s also an accomplished actor, director, and producer. That being said, he is honored that his anatomy has inspired such rigorous scientific inquiry."
The full 3D scan will reportedly be displayed in the Smithsonian’s Modern American Icons wing, right next to the dress Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang Happy Birthday to JFK. A limited-edition NFT of the rendering will also be available for purchase.
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