New Declassified CIA Papers Reveal Astronauts Were Barely Even On The Moon For One Day
A newly released batch of CIA documents has revealed that, despite the global impact of the Apollo 11 mission, the actual time American astronauts spent on the lunar surface was surprisingly brief — a detail U.S. officials at the time quietly downplayed.
NEW MUSIC: Wall Street Workers Innovate New Kind of Jazz Amid Financial Chaos
In an accidental triumph of avant-garde art, Wall Street traders have inadvertently birthed a groundbreaking new genre of music amid financial bedlam: "Fiscalcore Jazz."
Trump Sets Record For Worlds Highest Jump
In an unprecedented display of vitality, President Donald Trump has reportedly set a new world record for the highest vertical jump during his annual physical examination at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.
FINALLY: Trump Cabinet Swears Fealty In Blood
In a ceremony that can only be described as the pinnacle of patriotism, President Donald J. Trump’s Cabinet gathered at Mar-a-Lago last night to pledge their unwavering loyalty—sealed in blood.
5 Koalas Whose Portfolios Absolutely Tanked After Tariffs
five high-profile koalas have seen their investment portfolios plummet following the United States' recent imposition of sweeping tariffs under President Donald Trump's "Liberation Day" initiative.
Ancient Tectonic Beast Awakens After Myanmar Earthquake, Immediately Declares Congressional Run
A massive 8.7-magnitude earthquake in Myanmar has not only rocked the nation but also awakened "Grumbla'Rok the Seismic Sovereign", an ancient tectonic beast long slumbering beneath the Earth’s crust.
JD Vance DID NOT Piss His Pants This Week
In a stunning victory for America’s values, Vice President JD Vance has accomplished something that the radical left and their allies in the fake news media said was impossible: he has gone an entire week without soiling himself. Yes, you read that correctly.
TRUMP OFFERS BRILLIANT SOLUTION TO UKRAINE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS - FILE BANKRUPTCY
In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.
White House Fence to Be Upgraded to Parapet Wall and Moat
Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
BREAKING: Jesus Backs President Trump’s Bold Leadership, Says “A Little Porn is OK”
America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."
Pole Finds ‘Sleepy Girl Mocktail’ More Popular With Americans Than ‘Racial Equality’
A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.
TRUMP TAKES A STAND: BRINGING BACK GOOD OLD-FASHIONED WORKPLACE CHARM!
America, the great and noble land of opportunity, is finally being saved from the suffocating grip of the radical left’s cancel culture. President Donald J. Trump—our fearless leader, the champion of freedom, the greatest businessman of all time—is stepping up once again to undo the damage done by years of feminist tyranny in the workplace.
Children's Book Clearly A 'Gender Theory Manifesto,' Say Concerned Parents
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
Musk To Let Trump Use The Car On Friday Night
Sources close to the duo report that Elon Musk has graciously decided to let Donald Trump take the car out on Friday night—but only if he promises to be home by 11 PM and charges the Tesla before he gets home. "It's important to teach responsibility," Musk explained at a recent press conference, where he spoke about the challenges of parenting an excitable president. "Donald really wanted to go out with his friends, but I had to remind him that borrowing the car comes with conditions. We can't have him joyriding around Mar-a-Lago with Steve Bannon in the passenger seat, blaring Kid Rock again."
TRUMP FOR POPE? THE CHURCH NEEDS A BUSINESSMAN
The Vatican is in crisis, folks. Pope Francis, 88, is struggling with health issues, reportedly battling pneumonia and early-stage kidney failure. And while we all wish him well (thoughts and prayers!), the Catholic Church needs to start thinking about what comes next.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Who could possibly fill the shoes of the Supreme Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the Holy Father himself?” Well, I’ll tell you who, folks. It’s a man of action. A man of strength. A man who knows how to win.
Yes, I’m talking about Donald J. Trump.
Entitled Democrat Goes Into A Walmart
Eyewitnesses report that an entitled Democrat was spotted inside a Walmart this week, raising questions, concerns, and even mild panic among regular shoppers. The incident occurred Tuesday evening in an undisclosed location (to protect the terrified witnesses), when an individual, later identified as local Democrat voter Taylor Winslow, was seen perusing the aisles of the beloved all-American retail chain. Eyewitnesses say Winslow looked “out of place” and “suspiciously comfortable” among the selection of good big mayonnaise, camouflage Crocs, and even the bins of decorations still from Fourth of July.
RFK Jr. Admits He's Been Eating All The Eggs
Newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed yesterday to consuming the country's entire egg supply. "I couldn't help myself," Kennedy admitted in a press conference, yolk still visible on his tie. "Every time I saw an egg, I just had to eat it. Omelets, scrambles, even raw – you name it, I ate it." This startling admission comes as Americans face soaring egg prices, with some states reporting costs up to $10 per dozen. Retailers like Trader Joe's have implemented purchase limits to manage the dwindling supply.
U.S. Senate Celebrates Very Special Birthday, Boy
The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.
Trump To Eliminate DEI From Drinking Fountains
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
Trump Enacts Prima Nocta
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."