Pole Finds ‘Sleepy Girl Mocktail’ More Popular With Americans Than ‘Racial Equality’
AMERICA — A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder. Yes, folks, the Sleepy Girl Mocktail—a glorified hippie bedtime drink—has overtaken racial equality as a priority in this once-great nation. And honestly, can you blame anyone?
While left-wing activists continue to whine about 'systemic injustice' (a term that, by the way, was invented by liberal elites to make you feel guilty for living your life), regular Americans are just trying to get a good night’s sleep.
"We were surprised by the findings," said Dr. Mallory Simmons, a so-called expert at Gallup. "Not because we thought racial equality was a priority, but because we underestimated how quickly Americans will rally around something that involves minimal effort and a fancy glass."
That’s right, folks—while leftist mobs demand you apologize for things you didn’t even do, the people of this great nation have spoken. The poll found that while 82% of respondents had heard of the Sleepy Girl Mocktail, only 46% could accurately define 'systemic racism,' with 22% believing it was a skincare concern and 9% assuming it was a discontinued Trader Joe’s product. And who can blame them? The radical left keeps inventing new terms faster than you can say "soy latte."
"The Sleepy Girl Mocktail is just so soothing," said Emily Reynolds, a 29-year-old wellness influencer who, let’s be honest, probably doesn’t have a real job. "And honestly, sometimes racial issues stress me out. I think self-care is a form of activism, so I’m doing my part by resting."
Social scientists—most of whom spend more time tweeting than doing actual science—claim this is part of a broader pattern where Americans prefer easy, feel-good trends over "difficult conversations." (Translation: If you’re not bending the knee to their agenda, you’re the problem.) "The moment something requires actual change or accountability, it gets left behind," whined Professor Jamal Henderson of Yale.
Here’s the truth, folks: Americans don’t want to be lectured. They don’t want to be scolded by elites who jet around the world while telling YOU how to live. They want simple things—good jobs, safe streets, and yes, maybe even a little cherry juice before bed. But the left? They’d rather keep pushing divisive nonsense while normal people move on.
At press time, a new Gallup poll revealed that Americans are now more passionate about an upcoming Olive Garden breadstick subscription plan than they are about climate change. Honestly? Sounds like priorities are right where they should be.
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