Local Party Goer Sits In Wet Chair First Thing
Local man Craig Dobbins made the rookie mistake of sitting in a visibly wet patio chair within 30 seconds of arriving at a neighborhood party last Saturday. Witnesses say the incident occurred just as the host cheerfully shouted, “Come on in! Make yourself at home!”—a suggestion Dobbins took far too literally.
Musk To Monologue Now That There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop His Plan To Conquer Earth
In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.”
Apple's New Mixed Reality Headset Removes Unhoused From Your Field Of View For Only $2,500
In a groundbreaking move hailed by tech enthusiasts and morally conflicted suburbanites alike, Apple unveiled its latest innovation today: the Apple Shade Pro, a mixed reality headset designed to filter out the "inconvenient realities" of modern urban life—most notably, unhoused individuals.
BREAKING: Chi-Chi's a Hit Now?
Formerly best known for a 2003 Hepatitis A outbreak and a vague association with your mom’s favorite "Mexican" restaurant in the ‘90s, Chi-Chi’s has somehow become the place to see and be seen.
Local Freemason Elders Really Need To Come Up With Big Secret Soon
Amid mounting concerns from members and dwindling interest from potential recruits, the elders of the Dunbridge Freemason Lodge #314 convened a crisis meeting Tuesday night to address the glaring absence of a "big, game-changing secret" that could restore their mystique.
Employees Praying Corporate Takeover Means New Headshots
Employees at GigaTrend Solutions, a middling tech company specializing in “cloud-based synergy,” have been fervently praying that the recent announcement of a corporate takeover will lead to updated headshots for the company’s website, which still features photos taken under harsh fluorescent lighting in 2012.
Local Man To Follow Even More Instagram Accounts Where Guys Ask Women On The Street Sex Questions
Local 26-year-old graphic designer Ethan Warden announced Wednesday that he plans to double down on his current Instagram strategy by following an even greater number of accounts where men approach women on the street to ask aggressively personal sex-related questions under the guise of “social experiments.”
TRAVEL REVIEW: Kyoto, Japan? I Don’t Know, Man.
Kyoto, Japan. A place so steeped in history that it feels like it should come with a warning: “May cause accidental learning.” Who can be assed to do school work when you’re trying to have a holiday? I spent three days there, walking amongst temples, shrines, and people who seemed to understand what they were doing. I, however, did not.
Friends Start Using Group Text Without You As Main One
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
Model Railroad Finally Completed As Divorce Proceedings Begin
In what experts are calling a “bittersweet milestone for tiny towns everywhere,” Greg Henshaw of Akron, Ohio, has finally completed his lifelong passion project: a sprawling, 200-square-foot model railroad depicting the bustling industrial boom of 1940s America.
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
Superhero Born In Freak Raw Milk Accident
A local man has emerged as the world’s first superhero after a freak raw milk accident left him with extraordinary, and wholly unexplainable, powers. Jim Meadows, 34, was just your average suburban, casual fan of alternative health trends, enjoying a raw milk smoothie in his kitchen when disaster struck.
World Falls To Despair As Toytotathon Ends
In a development that experts are calling "the end of joy as we know it," humanity has descended into a collective state of existential despair following the conclusion of the annual Toytotathon event.
Our Smart Home Experts Reveal Top 5 Devices To Piss Off Your Wife
Smart home devices are designed to simplify life and make everything a bit more convenient. But our tech team at NewsTime News knows that a lot of the time smart devices are a great way to gain control over systems in the house, and lock out any users that aren’t tech savvy or even just anyone that didn’t directly set up the device themselves.
Here’s Some Freaky Made Up Space Disaster To Think About
We here at NewsTime News feel it’s our journalistic duty to keep you informed, terrified, and maybe just a little bit paralyzed by existential dread. And since it’s been a whole week since we reminded you that the universe is an unfathomable expanse of chaos that wants to kill you, here’s a fresh helping of cosmic catastrophe to ruin your day: rogue planets.
God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.
Apple Announces Groundbreaking New Rounded Edge Pro & Rounded Edge Ultra
In a keynote address that left tech enthusiasts and casual consumers alike breathless, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the company’s most ambitious product update yet: a slightly rounder edge. The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through the tech world, with fans hailing it as "the most revolutionary corner ever."
First Camel Cash Billionaire Emerges as Investors Flock to “Less Destructive” Alternative to Bitcoin
Doug Timmons of Topeka, Kansas, has become the world’s first Camel Cash billionaire. Timmons’ rise comes as investors worldwide are abandoning cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum in favor of something they perceive as more stable and less destructive: Camel Cash, the forgotten cigarette-pack currency of the 1990s.
Philly To Leave 72 Vacated Rite-Aids Empty In Case Eagles Have Anything To Do With Super Bowl
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
Mr. Beast To Host Jimmy Carter's Funeral Live On Netflix
In an unprecedented move, philanthropist and YouTube mogul Mr. Beast announced today that he will be hosting the funeral of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter live on Netflix.