Local Party Goer Sits In Wet Chair First Thing
Local man Craig Dobbins made the rookie mistake of sitting in a visibly wet patio chair within 30 seconds of arriving at a neighborhood party last Saturday. Witnesses say the incident occurred just as the host cheerfully shouted, “Come on in! Make yourself at home!”—a suggestion Dobbins took far too literally.
Police Stamp Out Sunflower Growing In Wrong Neighborhood
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Local Freemason Elders Really Need To Come Up With Big Secret Soon
Amid mounting concerns from members and dwindling interest from potential recruits, the elders of the Dunbridge Freemason Lodge #314 convened a crisis meeting Tuesday night to address the glaring absence of a "big, game-changing secret" that could restore their mystique.
Employees Praying Corporate Takeover Means New Headshots
Employees at GigaTrend Solutions, a middling tech company specializing in “cloud-based synergy,” have been fervently praying that the recent announcement of a corporate takeover will lead to updated headshots for the company’s website, which still features photos taken under harsh fluorescent lighting in 2012.
Local Man To Follow Even More Instagram Accounts Where Guys Ask Women On The Street Sex Questions
Local 26-year-old graphic designer Ethan Warden announced Wednesday that he plans to double down on his current Instagram strategy by following an even greater number of accounts where men approach women on the street to ask aggressively personal sex-related questions under the guise of “social experiments.”
Friends Start Using Group Text Without You As Main One
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
Model Railroad Finally Completed As Divorce Proceedings Begin
In what experts are calling a “bittersweet milestone for tiny towns everywhere,” Greg Henshaw of Akron, Ohio, has finally completed his lifelong passion project: a sprawling, 200-square-foot model railroad depicting the bustling industrial boom of 1940s America.
Philly To Leave 72 Vacated Rite-Aids Empty In Case Eagles Have Anything To Do With Super Bowl
Following the recent closure of 72 Rite-Aid locations across the city, Philadelphia officials announced plans to leave the buildings completely empty in case the Eagles find themselves anywhere near the Super Bowl again this year.
Inconsiderate Santa Traipses Through Cottage In Muddy Boots After Doing Christmas
Despite his jolly reputation, Santa Claus is facing mounting criticism from Mrs. Claus after yet another Christmas Eve spent tracking mud, soot, and "God knows what else" all over their pristine North Pole cottage.
Selfish Couple Tries To Steal Santa's Thunder By Getting Engaged On Christmas Morning
In a move that has left Santa Claus a little miffed, a couple from St. Louis, Missouri, decided that the most opportune moment to have their engagement would be Christmas morning, directly competing for the spotlight with the jolly man in red.
BREAKING: First Gathering In Living Room A Total Bust
In what many are calling “a dismal failure of spatial planning and social synergy,” the inaugural gathering in 32-year-old Jared Turman’s newly redesigned living room was declared a complete bust Thursday night.
FINALLY: Family Adds Grandma to Family Plan So They Can All Get New iPhones
After years of dodging her grandchildren’s persistent tech-related pleas and a half-dozen debates over the dinner table, 84-year-old Doris Reynolds was officially added to the Reynolds family phone plan this week.
Study Finds Average SEPTA Rider Inhales One Whole Rat Every Year
A groundbreaking study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania has confirmed that the average rider on the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) unwittingly inhales one entire rat annually while commuting.
Area Family Only Has A Few Holidays Left With Uncle’s Hair
Acknowledging the somber reality that the good times were quickly running out, the Redding family reportedly planing to spend this year’s holiday gathering cherishing the few strands of hair still clinging to the head of their beloved Uncle, Jeremy.
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Even Alien UFO’s Are Leaving Jersey For The Main Line
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
Meet the 10 People Who Said They’d Be Willing to Govern New Jersey, For Some Reason
In a shocking turn of events, 10 individuals have bravely stepped forward to declare their willingness to be governor of New Jersey, a position that requires equal parts legislative savvy and the ability to survive Route 1 traffic during rush hour.
PARTNER CONTENT: Independence Blue Cross Is A Good Parent For Children
In an exclusive interview with NewsTime News where they paid us, Independence Blue Cross (IBX) proudly announced its commitment to providing a nurturing and supportive environment for children—much like a perfect parent, but with deductibles.
Abandoned Kool-Aid Jammer Burdened with Immortality
Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.
City Council To Squeeze More Money From Sixers Stadium Deal Before Voting
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.