Local Parents Total Fucking Fascists
Leavenworth, Washington — 16-year-old high school sophomore Jordan Matthews has bravely come forward to expose a regime of "total fascism" within his own household. The alleged perpetrators? His parents, Lisa and Mark Matthews, both of whom hold jobs, pay taxes, and have committed the unthinkable crime of setting household rules.
Jordan’s accusations stem from what he describes as a "deeply authoritarian" curfew of 10:00 p.m. on school nights and the "oppressive mandate" that he must complete his homework before logging into Fortnite. "It's basically like living in North Korea," Jordan told reporters while sipping on a $7 oat milk frappuccino his mom paid for. "I can't even have freedom to stay up until 3 a.m. scrolling TikTok without getting a whole lecture about 'brain development' or whatever."
Lisa Matthews, the alleged dictator in question, was reached for comment while preparing dinner for the family. "We just want him to get enough sleep and maybe pass his history class," she said, in a chilling display of authoritarian control. When asked about the accusations of fascism, she responded, "He called me a fascist because I asked him to put his plate in the dishwasher. Honestly, I’m too tired to fight it."
Mark Matthews, Jordan’s father, faces similar charges after reportedly forcing Jordan to attend a family outing last weekend. "He made me leave the house to go on a hike," Jordan recounted with tears in his eyes. "And get this — I had no signal for two hours. How am I supposed to communicate with my friends under those conditions? That’s psychological torture."
Jordan’s younger sister, 12-year-old Emma, confirmed the oppressive atmosphere. "I wanted to dye my hair purple and get a nose ring, but Mom said I have to wait until I’m 16," she said, visibly shaken. "This is how it starts. Next thing you know, they’ll be asking us to set the table every night."
Human rights experts have weighed in on the case, with some pointing out that Jordan’s plight is not unique. "We are witnessing a rise in totalitarian behavior among middle-class parents nationwide," said Dr. Karen Witherspoon, a sociologist specializing in teen oppression. "Curfews, chores, and expectations of basic hygiene are clear indicators of creeping authoritarianism."
Jordan has vowed to take a stand against the tyranny. "I’m organizing a protest," he announced. "Me and my friends are gonna refuse to do our homework until they agree to let us stay up late and stop asking about our grades." His movement has already gained traction online, with the hashtag #FreeJordan trending on X.
As of press time, Jordan was last seen at the dinner table reluctantly eating broccoli under duress. His parents remain unapologetic. "We're just doing our best," Lisa said. "And also, if he calls me a fascist one more time, he's losing his game station."
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