FINALLY: We Analyzed Every Frame of Mad Men to Make a 3D Model of Jon Hamm's Penis
After nearly a decade of speculation, rumors, and countless blurry paparazzi photos, a team of data scientists, AI engineers, and self-proclaimed "Hamm Scholars" have finally cracked the code: a scientifically accurate 3D rendering of Jon Hamm's penis.
Netflix to Produce First Streaming Infomercial
Netflix has announced its first-ever streaming infomercial. Titled The Ultimate Buying Experience: Stream, Watch, Purchase, the program aims to seamlessly blend the thrill of binge-watching with the guilt of impulse buying. "We realized that people love two things: streaming content and purchasing items they don’t need at 2 AM," said Netflix's new Head of Interactive Content, Chad Salesman. "Why not combine them?"
Tom Hardy To Star In Direct-To-Streaming ‘Venom Does Las Vegas’
In a move that has critics raising eyebrows and fans asking, “Why not?” Sony Pictures has announced Venom Does Las Vegas, a direct-to-streaming feature starring Tom Hardy as the eponymous alien symbiote. The film, described as a "bold reinvention of the superhero genre," will debut exclusively on an as-yet-unnamed streaming platform—likely one you’ve never heard of but will have to subscribe to for this one movie.
War Grinds On As Peace Talks Continue to Falter Between Baldoni and Lively
Despite numerous attempts at diplomacy, the bitter feud between actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni shows no sign of abating, with tensions escalating to Cold War-levels of passive-aggressive social media posts and cryptic late-night talk show jabs.
Filler News Content Way Down In 2025
Media analysts report that 2025 has seen a dramatic decline in filler news content, leaving Americans dangerously overexposed to actual, substantive information. Since President Trump’s return to office and the abrupt launch of a global tariff war that economists are describing as either “a 4D chess move,” or “basically a game of Jenga,” news outlets have struggled to find time for their usual steady diet of feel-good puppy stories, TikTok trends, and breathless speculation about celebrity Instagram likes.
Super Bowl National Anthem to Be Sung By “Wickedly Talented” Adele Dazeem
The NFL announced today that this year’s Super Bowl National Anthem will be performed by none other than the enigmatic and legendary, wickedly talented, Adele Dazeem, famously introduced to the world by John Travolta during the 2014 Academy Awards.
Michael Bay Snags Film Rights To Tragic Collision Over The Potomac
Director Michael Bay has reportedly acquired the film rights to the recent tragic mid-air collision over the Potomac River. The incident, which occurred on January 29, 2025, involved an American Airlines Bombardier CRJ700 passenger jet and a U.S. Army UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, resulting in the loss of all 67 individuals on board both aircraft.
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts At Least Six More Weeks of Climate Disaster
At this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony, the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, took one look at his surroundings, and promptly issued a bleak prediction: at least six more weeks of climate disaster. The announcement came as a surprise to the gathered crowd of Phil enthusiasts, many of whom were expecting the traditional meteorological forecast of either an early spring or prolonged winter.
Katy Perry's 'Lifetimes' Tour to Feature AI Holograms of Engaged Audience Members
Katy Perry announced that her upcoming Lifetimes tour will feature AI-generated holograms of excited audience members, ensuring an energetic atmosphere even if real attendees remain emotionally uninvested or non-existent. “We’re using cutting-edge technology to project enthusiastic fans into the arena,” Perry revealed in a press conference, where reporters noted she seemed slightly pixelated herself. “The AI will generate crowd reactions in real-time, so I never have to worry about a dead audience.”
CBS Evening News Revamp Mandated By Sun God Ra
CBS executives revealed that their latest version of the CBS Evening News, now co-anchored by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois, was not a product of careful rebranding or market analysis—but a divine edict from none other than Ra, the ancient Egyptian Sun God.
America Shocked as Man Famous for Firing People Fires People
In a development that has left Americans baffled and clutching their pearls, former reality TV star and current president Donald Trump has reportedly fired a slew of government employees, judges, and anyone even tangentially connected to his legal woes.
Oscars Finally Add ‘Hottest Actor’ Category
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today the addition of a long-demanded category: Hottest Actor. This marks the first time the Oscars have explicitly recognized the sizzling allure of Hollywood’s most snatched performers, setting X (formerly twitter), Tiktok, Instagram, Threads, BlueSky, and Truth Social aflame with opinions.
Finally: Dunston Checks Out
After 27 years of tirelessly terrorizing concierges, outsmarting hotel security, and solidifying his status as the only orangutan to successfully perform a five-star room service heist, Dunston has officially checked out for good.
Mr. Beast To Host Jimmy Carter's Funeral Live On Netflix
In an unprecedented move, philanthropist and YouTube mogul Mr. Beast announced today that he will be hosting the funeral of former U.S. President Jimmy Carter live on Netflix.
Here’s How the Government Shutdown Will Affect Tiffany Amber Thiessen
The looming government shutdown has left millions of Americans scrambling to understand how it might impact their daily lives. But for 90s television icon Tiffany Amber Thiessen, the fallout will be unique, just like her career.
Talking Food, Sex & Travel With Lincoln, The Eagle That Swoops Into The Stadium Before Eagles Games
Every Philadelphia Eagles home game begins the same way: a piercing scream, a rush of wind, and the majestic sight of Lincoln, the stadium’s resident bald eagle, soaring across the sky. But beyond the theatrics, who is Lincoln? What drives the most famous avian icon in football?
MILF Manor Cast Feels Slighted After Being Passed Over for Trump Cabinet Appointments
The cast of Discovery’s MILF Manor has expressed frustration after being overlooked for Cabinet positions in President-elect Donald Trump's administration, despite the inclusion of individuals with backgrounds they deem comparable.
BREAKING: Elton John A Narc Now
In a stunning turn of events, Sir Elton John has officially entered his narc era. The flamboyant pop icon, known for bedazzled costumes and chart-topping hits, made waves today when he publicly denounced the legalization of marijuana, calling it “the worst thing to happen to society since clashing patterns.”
Variety Bets It All on 'Actors on Actors'
In a move described by insiders as "either visionary or the end of days," Variety Magazine announced this week that it will double down on its flagship celebrity interview series Actors on Actors, pouring all of its resources into a strategy executives are calling “The Full Actor Immersion Initiative.”
Trump Nominates Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch as U.S. Poet Laureate
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.