CBS Evening News Revamp Mandated By Sun God Ra
CBS executives revealed that their latest version of the CBS Evening News, now co-anchored by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois, was not a product of careful rebranding or market analysis—but a divine edict from none other than Ra, the ancient Egyptian Sun God. According to insiders, the revelation occurred during what was supposed to be a routine strategy retreat at CBS headquarters in New York. Midway through a PowerPoint presentation titled “How to Capture Millennials Without Using TikTok,” a blinding beam of light engulfed the conference room, followed by a commanding voice declaring, “Let the Evening News shine like my eternal rays upon the Earth.”
“It was surreal,” said CBS President of Programming, Eric Kim. “We were brainstorming ways to make the news less depressing when suddenly Ra himself materialized. He had the body of a man, the head of a falcon, and very strong opinions on segment transitions.”
Anchors Dickerson and DuBois are reportedly adjusting well to the celestial demands. “It’s a privilege to serve Ra,” said DuBois, carefully donning a ceremonial golden headdress for the 6 PM promo shoot. Dickerson added, “Reading the teleprompter while balancing an ankh in one hand has been challenging, but Ra assures us it’s all part of the vibe.”
Ra's Programming Notes
Sources close to the production say Ra has been unusually hands-on, attending rehearsals in a golden chariot and frequently interrupting with critiques. “He insists the lighting must replicate the glow of the eternal sun,” said a frustrated stage manager. “We had to fire our entire lighting team and hire astronomers to get it right.”
Ra also personally approved the show’s tagline, “News as Eternal as the Sun”, and reportedly dismissed early drafts for being “too mortal.”
Mixed Audience Reception
While some viewers have embraced the divine energy of the revamped program, others have expressed confusion. “I’m all for fresh ideas, but having the anchors kneel before an obelisk during every commercial break feels a bit much,” said one viewer.
Critics have also questioned Ra’s editorial focus. Early episodes included segments like The Solar Importance of Corn, a 12-minute feature on ancient Egyptian irrigation techniques, and Ra’s Favorite Pyramids: Ranked. Meanwhile, breaking news about local elections was bumped for an exclusive on “the majestic power of scarabs.”
The Competitive Solar Wars
Rival networks have wasted no time responding to CBS’s divine pivot. ABC has reportedly been in talks with Zeus for a thunder-themed morning show, while NBC executives are rumored to be courting Hades for a “spicy” late-night slot.
Ra's Eternal Vision
Despite some early hiccups, CBS executives remain optimistic about the divine mandate. “This isn’t just about ratings; it’s about cosmic relevance,” said Hensley. “Ra promised that as long as we stay true to his vision, our Nielsen numbers will be blessed with the heat of the sun. How can we argue with that?”
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