BREAKING: Elton John A Narc Now
LONDON— In a stunning turn of events, Sir Elton John has officially entered his narc era. The flamboyant pop icon, known for bedazzled costumes and chart-topping hits, made waves today when he publicly denounced the legalization of marijuana, calling it “the worst thing to happen to society since clashing patterns.”
The announcement came during an interview, where Elton, sipping chamomile tea in a modestly sequined housecoat, shared his new stance. “I’ve seen what weed does to people,” he said, staring pensively into the distance. “It makes them sit around listening to vinyl for days. Honestly, it’s a bit much. Move on, darling.”
While many assumed Sir Elton’s sharp pivot to narcdom was a joke—perhaps a meta reference to his long-standing advocacy for individuality—he doubled down by calling for stricter enforcement. “I think it’s high time,” he quipped, “we roll back the roll-ups.”
Fans of the singer have expressed shock at the news. “This is the same man who wore a feathered headdress to breakfast,” said longtime fan Gloria Kensington. “Now he’s telling me I can’t unwind the way I want to? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug, Sir Elton!”
Critics, however, point to a deeper motivation behind the sudden shift. Sources close to the singer claim his anti-cannabis campaign began after attending a mellow dinner party where guests hogged all the food and forgot to pass him items from the table. “He felt ignored,” said an anonymous insider. “Elton thrives on being the center of attention, and weed just isn’t conducive to people hanging on his every word. They were too busy discussing ‘how blue feels like a sound.’”
Adding fuel to the controversy, Elton recently launched a hotline, 1-800-STOP-TOKES, where concerned citizens can report “suspiciously chill behavior.” Operators, reportedly all wearing sparkly visors and headsets, have fielded calls ranging from neighbors laughing at unfunny jokes to an uptick in ukulele ownership.
Despite the backlash, Elton remains unfazed. “I’ve always been a man of reinvention,” he declared, adjusting his crystal-encrusted glasses. “From glam rock to narc rock—it’s just the next evolution. And if that makes me a snitch, well then, baby, I’m your candle in the wind.”
As for his fans, many are left wondering if the star’s next reinvention will involve taking up crochet and lecturing teens about loitering outside convenience stores. Until then, Sir Elton’s critics are lighting one up in his honor.
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