World Falls To Despair As Toytotathon Ends
In a development that experts are calling "the end of joy as we know it," humanity has descended into a collective state of existential despair following the conclusion of the annual Toytotathon event.
Here’s Some Freaky Made Up Space Disaster To Think About
We here at NewsTime News feel it’s our journalistic duty to keep you informed, terrified, and maybe just a little bit paralyzed by existential dread. And since it’s been a whole week since we reminded you that the universe is an unfathomable expanse of chaos that wants to kill you, here’s a fresh helping of cosmic catastrophe to ruin your day: rogue planets.
God Finally Declares Which Music Taste Is Correct
In a rare celestial press conference, God appeared before the mortal realm today to finally settle a debate as old as time itself: which music taste is objectively correct. To the shock and dismay of nearly all 8 billion humans, the divine answer was unequivocal: Polka.
Inconsiderate Santa Traipses Through Cottage In Muddy Boots After Doing Christmas
Despite his jolly reputation, Santa Claus is facing mounting criticism from Mrs. Claus after yet another Christmas Eve spent tracking mud, soot, and "God knows what else" all over their pristine North Pole cottage.
BREAKING: All Water Officially Has At Least A Little Plastic In It
In a stunning announcement today, the Global Water Quality Consortium confirmed a total fuckin’ nightmare: every single drop of water on Earth now contains at least a smidge of plastic, ranging from a few microfibers to what experts are calling "a concerning chunk."
BREAKING: Elton John A Narc Now
In a stunning turn of events, Sir Elton John has officially entered his narc era. The flamboyant pop icon, known for bedazzled costumes and chart-topping hits, made waves today when he publicly denounced the legalization of marijuana, calling it “the worst thing to happen to society since clashing patterns.”
Naughty List Data Breach: Millions of Christmas Users’ Private Data Leaked Online
In a scandal that has rocked the Christmas industrial complex, Santa Claus confirmed today that the Naughty List—a highly sensitive database of misbehavior — was compromised in a massive cyberattack, exposing the secrets of millions worldwide.
Rebels Take Control of Aleppo in Huge Black Friday Sale
In what analysts are calling a landmark event for Middle Eastern geopolitics and consumer-driven insurrections, rebel forces successfully seized control of Aleppo today during a massive Black Friday blowout that saw territory prices slashed by up to 70%.
Archaeologists Uncover Child Skeleton Still Gripping a Fucking Bop-It
Archaeologists have unearthed the 4,000-year-old remains of a child clutching what appears to be a fully intact Bop-It, sparking debates among historians, toy enthusiasts, and people who love to “twist it.”
Enlightenment: Monk Takes Staff Right to the Nads
Visitors to the Temple of Transcendence were left awestruck Monday after witnessing a feat of spiritual mastery unmatched in the modern age: Zen monk Ryota Takahashi achieved what many are calling the pinnacle of enlightenment by remaining completely serene while taking a full-force staff strike to the nads.
REPORT: Santa Can’t Handle Stress Of Early-November Decorations
In a breaking development that has sent ripples through the holiday community, sources close to Santa Claus report that the man in red is officially “completely freaking out” after spotting Christmas decorations going up mere hours after Halloween ended.