Archaeologists Uncover Child Skeleton Still Gripping a Fucking Bop-It
MESOPOTAMIA— Archaeologists have unearthed the 4,000-year-old remains of a child clutching what appears to be a fully intact Bop-It, sparking debates among historians, toy enthusiasts, and people who love to “twist it.”
The dig site, located in the ruins of what was once a thriving Sumerian city, stunned researchers when they realized the object in the child's skeletal hand bore an uncanny resemblance to the 1990s Hasbro classic. Experts believe this marks the earliest evidence of Bop-It.
“We thought we were uncovering some kind of ceremonial artifact,” said Dr. Lena Morris, lead archaeologist. “But then we pressed a button, and it started yelling, ‘PULL IT!’ I’ve never been so frightened in my life.”
The discovery suggests that humanity’s obsession with Bop-It spans millennia. Carbon dating indicates the Bop-It relic predates written language, raising questions about how long parents have endured the torture of the Bop-It.
“This poor kid,” added Morris, examining the remains. “You can tell they were mid-game when disaster struck—probably failed on ‘TWIST-IT’ and just keeled over from shame.”
Historians theorize the Bop-It could have been used as both a toy and a test of social hierarchy, much like modern-day dodgeball or karaoke machines. “Whoever mastered the Bop-It likely ascended to leadership roles,” explained historian Dr. Greg Peters. “Or they just annoyed their tribe until it had to be taken away for a while.”
Despite the implications, some skeptics aren’t convinced. “This is clearly a prank by time-travelers,” insisted one local, who described himself as a “Bop-It conspiracy theorist.” He believes ancient humans lacked the cognitive ability to “Bop, Twist, and Pull” with the dexterity required for high scores.
Hasbro has yet to comment on whether the find constitutes intellectual property theft.
You may also like:
