BREAKING: All Water Officially Has At Least A Little Plastic In It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning announcement today, the Global Water Quality Consortium confirmed a total fuckin’ nightmare: every single drop of water on Earth now contains at least a smidge of plastic, ranging from a few microfibers to what experts are calling "a concerning chunk."
“This is a monumental achievement in the field of pollution,” said Dr. Linda Crawley, head of the Plastic Integration Task Force. “Whether it’s your bottled water, tap water, or even the tears you shed over this news, you can rest assured—it’s plastic-rich.”
The findings come after decades of effort by humans to ensure plastic infiltrates every conceivable corner of the planet, including the Mariana Trench, arctic ice caps, and your $12 artisanal kombucha. Scientists say this is the first time a contaminant has reached 100% global saturation, narrowly beating out glitter and corporate jargon.
“Honestly, I’m relieved,” said area man Trevor Gaines while sipping a crunchy glass of water. “I was tired of wondering whether my water had microplastics or not. Now I know for sure, which makes me feel like at least I know now.”
Corporate leaders for bottles companies were quick to celebrate the news, with one bottled water executive calling it "a great branding opportunity" to market their product as "Enhanced With Premium Microplastics™." Meanwhile, the National Association of Single-Use Plastics issued a statement reading simply: “You’re welcome.”
In related news, scientists predict that by 2030, humans will evolve to digest plastic entirely, paving the way for "eco-friendly" snacks like biodegradable straws and six-pack rings.
More News:
