Area Family Only Has A Few Holidays Left With Uncle’s Hair
BALTIMORE, MD — Acknowledging the somber reality that the good times were quickly running out, the Redding family reportedly planing to spend this year’s holiday gathering cherishing the few strands of hair still clinging to the head of their beloved Uncle, Jeremy.
“It’s hard to think about, but we’re probably only a couple of Thanksgivings away from saying goodbye to whatever’s left of Uncle Jeremy’s hair before he realizes he can’t pretend anymore,” said Jeremy’s aunt, Carol, who admitted she’d already started preparing herself for the sight of his shiny, barren scalp glinting under the family’s dining room chandelier. “We should have appreciated it more when it was thick and lustrous in the early 2010s. Now all we can do is savor these last wisps while they’re still here.”
The family allegedly went out of their way this year to make Jeremy feel comfortable, strategically seating him far from breezy windows and offering to let him carve the turkey—a job they noted could soon become a chilling preview of his own bare pate.
“I almost broke down when I saw him adjusting his baseball cap to cover the little tuft up front,” said cousin Michelle, brushing back tears as she scrolled through old holiday photos of Jeremy’s once-decent hairline, now a distant memory. “We’re all so proud of him for holding on this long. But honestly, it’s starting to look like the comb-over is doing more harm than good. Maybe by next Christmas, we can convince him to just… let it go.”
Despite the solemn undercurrent, the holiday won’t be entirely bleak, with Jeremy’s younger brother, Tyler, planning to lighten the mood by teasing him about his “reverse mohawk” and even suggesting a family raffle to decide who gets to slap his bald spot first.
“Tyler’s just jealous because Jeremy’s beard is still full and patch-free,” said Jeremy’s mom, Linda, who later confided that she’d been secretly hoarding hair clippings from Jeremy’s teenage years in hopes of gifting him a keepsake wig before the situation became irreversible.
At press time, the family was reportedly planning to add “preemptive scalp sunscreen” to next year’s holiday shopping list.
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