Musk To Monologue Now That There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop His Plan To Conquer Earth
In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.”
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
Here’s Some Freaky Made Up Space Disaster To Think About
We here at NewsTime News feel it’s our journalistic duty to keep you informed, terrified, and maybe just a little bit paralyzed by existential dread. And since it’s been a whole week since we reminded you that the universe is an unfathomable expanse of chaos that wants to kill you, here’s a fresh helping of cosmic catastrophe to ruin your day: rogue planets.
Even Alien UFO’s Are Leaving Jersey For The Main Line
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
NASA Moon Mission on Hold After Astronauts Say They Can "Barely Stream One Video" on Moon Wi-Fi
NASA announced recently that its Artemis III moon mission has been indefinitely postponed after astronauts reported that the lunar Wi-Fi was incapable of sustaining a single uninterrupted TikTok livestream, let alone their planned Netflix binge of The Crown.