Musk To Monologue Now That There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop His Plan To Conquer Earth
Written By: Avery Lawson - Tech @ NewsTime
Silicon Valley, CA — In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.” The declaration came during a live-streamed press conference, where Musk stood before an ominous backdrop of glowing Teslas arranged in the shape of a Death Star. “You fools,” Musk began, chuckling to himself in a way that was definitely not rehearsed. “All this time, you thought I was building electric cars and launching rockets to explore Mars. But no — it was all a distraction. A ruse. A long con of unparalleled genius.”
The audience of journalists, tech influencers, and confused Instagram food bloggers nodded along, unsure if this was a joke, a Neuralink beta test, or a really elaborate way of announcing a new Tesla Roadster.
According to Musk, his master plan has been unfolding for years. “The Twitter acquisition? Just the first step to sow chaos and misinformation,” he said. “The flamethrowers? Clearly tools for a dystopian uprising. And Dogecoin? A way to distract you from my true weapon: a 600-foot robot that runs on recycled memes and that doesn’t need LiDAR.”
When asked why he was revealing his plans so brazenly, Musk smirked. “Because there’s nothing you can do to stop me now. I’ve already locked the algorithm. It’s coded in COBOL. Good luck finding someone to rewrite that.”
Social media reactions were swift and divided, with hashtags like #ElonConqueror trending on X (formerly known as Twitter, which is now known as X but pronounced like “kskks”). Fans called the monologue “visionary,” while critics suggested that this is exactly what they’ve been trying to explain would happen with this guy.
NASA, meanwhile, has reportedly begun contingency plans to evacuate Earth, with insiders admitting, “We never thought SpaceX would pivot to evil mastermind so quickly.” The United Nations issued a statement expressing “mild concern,” though sources close to Musk reveal he has already blocked them on all platforms.
At the conclusion of the monologue, Musk donned a cape and ascended into the sky via a rocket-powered Cybertruck. “You’ll regret doubting me,” he shouted, laughing maniacally as he disappeared into the atmosphere. “And if not, well, you’ll still have full self-driving soon!”
As of press time, reports indicate that Tesla’s stock has soared 47% on the announcement, with analysts praising Musk’s commitment to “disrupting the concept of global governance.”
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