Apple's New Mixed Reality Headset Removes Unhoused From Your Field Of View For Only $2,500
Written by Avery Lawson - Tech @NewsTime News
CUPERTINO, CA — In a groundbreaking move hailed by tech enthusiasts and morally conflicted suburbanites alike, Apple unveiled its latest innovation today: the Apple Shade Pro, a mixed reality headset designed to filter out the "inconvenient realities" of modern urban life—most notably, unhoused individuals.
Priced at a mere $2,499, the Apple Shade Pro promises to deliver a cleaner, more curated view of the world. “This mixed reality experience uses apple intelligence to ensures you can enjoy your morning latte without having to confront societal inequality or feel a twinge of guilt,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook during the keynote presentation. “The future isn’t just augmented—it’s sanitized.”
The Apple Shade Pro uses proprietary "Empathy Redaction Algorithms" to digitally replace unhoused individuals with soothing alternatives, such as potted plants, adorable puppies, or, for the nostalgia crowd, 1990s Blockbuster Video storefronts. Rumors are even circulating that Apple and Disney are in early talks to give users options to replaced the unhoused with beloved characters like Mr. Incredible and Goofy.
During the demonstration, a live feed of downtown San Francisco showed Apple Shade Pro users strolling past tent encampments, only to see the area seamlessly transformed into what Apple called a "Charming European Piazza Mode." Bystanders applauded as a sleeping bag morphed into a quaint café table for two.
“This is life-changing,” said one beta tester. “I was walking through the Tenderloin, but thanks to Apple Shade Pro, it felt like I was in Napa Valley. I ordered a Merlot from a man who was actually asking for spare change.”
Apple revealed several premium features in the Apple Shade Pro:
Panhandler Blur™: Automatically turns anyone holding a cardboard sign into a soft, blurry silhouette that your brain won’t even register.
Gentrification Vision: Reimagines your surroundings as a picturesque Whole Foods parking lot or Paper Source.
Social Justice Filter™: Replaces protest signs with motivational quotes like “Live, Laugh, Love” and “You’re Doing Great, Sweetie.”
The device also includes iDonate™, a feature that automatically sends a notification to your phone suggesting you Venmo $5 to a vague charity so you can “feel good about doing nothing.”
While many tech reviewers praised the device’s sleek design and uncanny ability to transform a bustling urban nightmare into a Pottery Barn catalog, critics have pointed out a few flaws. “I tried it out, and it replaced a group of unhoused people with a hedge maze, but I got lost in the maze and accidentally wandered into an actual encampment,” said one journalist from Wired. “It was awkward.”
In response, Apple issued a statement: “At Apple, we believe in inclusivity. That’s why we’ve designed the Appel Shade Pro to ensure that everyone can enjoy a world where difficult realities no longer exist—so long as they can afford it.”
As Cook wrapped up the keynote, he summarized the product’s ethos: “With the Apple Shade Pro, the world is no longer what it is—it’s what you want it to be. Isn’t that the kind of progress we deserve?”
Pre-orders are already live, with delivery expected as early as 2027.
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