Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
Silicon Valley, CA — In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
The event, dubbed “Impact Royale: Clash of the Cosmos”, will take place later this year. Jeff Bezos, founder of Blue Origin, and Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX, are reportedly betting exactly one rocket’s worth of pocket change on the outcome.
“This has nothing to do with money,” Bezos stated at a press conference while sipping from a gold-plated sippy cup shaped like a tiny rocket. “It’s about dominance. The universe isn’t big enough for the two of us. One of us has to explode in glorious, fiery defeat.”
Musk, taking the stage moments later, countered, “Jeff thinks his phallic little rocket can compete with my Cyber Starship? Please. Oh, excuse me, I need to go pay for Donald’s Grubhub delivery.”
The rockets, aptly named "Bezosaurus Rex" and "Cyber Strarship", boast cutting-edge tech that would otherwise be used to advance humanity. Instead, they'll now serve as very expensive battering rams in a game of interstellar chicken. Engineers from both companies are reportedly working tirelessly to ensure their boss’s symbolic rocket “doesn’t look stupid” in the inevitable slow-motion impact videos.
Blue Origin’s PR team promises a “classy” approach, highlighting the sleek, refined design of their rocket, complete with monogrammed stabilizers and an onboard cigar lounge. SpaceX, meanwhile, has opted for a brute-force strategy, adding extra thrusters to “really ram hard, just like Elon.”
Critics have decried the event as “an absurd waste of resources,” though fans on social media are ecstatic, with hashtags like #CosmicSmashBros and #RocketFightClub trending worldwide. “I’ve always wondered who’s got the bigger payload,” tweeted one user, @SpaceFan69. “Now we’ll finally see it live on Netflix.”
Environmental groups are less enthusiastic, raising concerns about space debris raining down on earth, and the potential environmental impact of a bruised billionaire ego. Bezos dismissed these fears, stating, “We’re already working on a rocket that cleans up space debris that the government will want a contract for after this.”
The event promises to be the most explosive showdown since Yaht Slam 2016. Analysts suggest the loser may face public humiliation, but both CEOs have hinted that this is just a warm-up for even larger events. Tickets for “Impact Royale” go on sale next month, with VIP packages including a commemorative debris shard and a chance to awkwardly shake hands with whichever billionaire survives.
More News:
