REPORT: Santa Can’t Handle Stress Of Early-November Decorations
NORTH POLE—In a breaking development that has sent ripples through the holiday community, sources close to Santa Claus report that the man in red is officially “completely freaking out” after spotting Christmas decorations going up mere hours after Halloween ended.
“It’s insane. The pumpkin pies aren’t cold yet!” Santa exclaimed from his cozy yet increasingly stressful North Pole office, glancing nervously at a calendar with December 25 circled in red ink about 300 times. “I can barely get through one year’s Naughty-or-Nice lists before they start tossing up wreaths. For once, I'd like to breathe in November without feeling the weight of 8 billion gift expectations on my back.”
According to witnesses, the sight of mall Christmas trees, inflatable snowmen, and peppermint-scented candles in stores nationwide has sent Santa spiraling into a state of intense, cookie-fueled productivity anxiety. Elves report he hasn’t slept since Target launched its "Early Winter Wonderland" sales on October 29th, and Mrs. Claus is allegedly “concerned” after catching him hoarding holiday-themed energy drinks in the reindeer stable.
“Ho Ho How the hell am I supposed to live up to two whole months of preparation,” he sighed, twisting a candy cane stress-relief toy in one hand. “People seem to forget I’m a seasonal figure. I’m supposed to make my first appearances after Thanksgiving, with the exception of a Coke commercial or two, but this? This is too much.”
Santa’s Chief of Elf Operations, Tinkles McSnowflake, confirmed the North Pole staff is feeling the strain. “Our production schedule wasn’t designed for a 10-month Christmas cycle, okay? We’re on toy overtime around the clock because apparently every store is doing ‘Holiday Preview Savings’ now. I haven’t seen my elf children in days,” McSnowflake sniffled, his eyes shadowed with the fatigue of too few gumdrop breaks per shift.
Santa has received reports that some holiday enthusiasts are already asking their Amazon Alexas to play "All I Want for Christmas Is You." “I can’t even—Mariah Carey? In November? Where did we go wrong?” Claus muttered under his breath, clutching a flask of eggnog, and continued, “This isn’t what I signed up for when I became Santa in 1823!”
Meanwhile, Big Box retail chains are doubling down on holiday décor, with industry experts predicting Valentine’s-themed displays might go up by December 28. “At this rate, I’ll have to start my December prep in May,” Santa lamented, briefly eyeing a brochure for Caribbean retirement communities for people over 155.
As Santa shuffles off to his workshop in slippers worn thin from pacing, he issued a gentle plea to the world: “To the holiday enthusiasts…could you maybe just leave up the Halloween skeletons a little longer? Let me be Santa on Christmas.”
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