Ancient Tectonic Beast Awakens After Myanmar Earthquake, Immediately Declares Congressional Run
NAYPYIDAW, MYANMAR – A massive 8.7-magnitude earthquake in Myanmar has not only rocked the nation but also awakened "Grumbla'Rok the Seismic Sovereign", an ancient tectonic beast long slumbering beneath the Earth’s crust.
Arising from a chasm near the Sagaing Fault line, Grumbla'Rok towered 300 feet above terrified seismologists, brushed centuries of dirt off his rocky shoulders, and promptly announced his candidacy for the 2026 United States House of Representatives election.
“FOR TOO LONG, YOU HAVE IGNORED THE WILL OF BEDROCK,” the creature bellowed through a press conference held at an impromptu magma pit.
Wearing a sash reading “Stability Through Tremors”, Grumbla’Rok unveiled a platform centered around three key issues:
Mandatory Seismic Drills in Interpretive Dance Form
Free Lava Baths for All Citizens
Immediate Disbanding of All Plates—Tectonic and Dinner Alike
When asked about his views on climate change, the candidate simply roared, “I AM CLIMATE.”
World leaders have scrambled to react. The UN Geological Taskforce tried issuing a strongly worded letter, only to find it returned, torn in half and steaming with magma. Meanwhile, U.S. officials expressed cautious optimism.
“Look, we’ve worked with bigger monsters before,” said one anonymous diplomat. “Have you seen Congress?”
Grumbla’Rok has announced he will be running for congress in the great state of Hawaii as a Republican. Polls now show Grumbla'Rok polling at 14% among republican voters. Critics argue he’s unfit to lead due to his tendency to unintentionally cause minor continental drift when excited.
President Trump has stated that he believes Grumbla’Rok will be “Good for many reasons.”
His campaign slogan?
"THE EARTH MOVES FOR ME. SO WILL YOU."
In a final flourish, Grumbla'Rok concluded the press event by swallowing a satellite and falling asleep mid-sentence, declaring, “IF ELECTED, I PROMISE ONLY MINOR AFTERSHOCKS.”
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