Oscars Finally Add ‘Hottest Actor’ Category
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today the addition of a long-demanded category: Hottest Actor. This marks the first time the Oscars have explicitly recognized the sizzling allure of Hollywood’s most snatched performers, setting X (formerly twitter), Tiktok, Instagram, Threads, BlueSky, and Truth Social aflame with opinions.
"Acting is about more than just talent," Academy President Janet Yang explained during the announcement. "It’s about bone structure, tight little bods, plastic surgery, and interesting hair styles.” Yang added that the new category is an effort to make the Oscars “more relevant to modern audiences who mostly watch movies on mute while scrolling Instagram.”
Unlike traditional categories judged by a panel of industry peers, the Hottest Actor award will use a unique hybrid voting system. Nominees will be scored on a mix of audience thirst tweets, TikTok edits set to moody Lana Del Rey tracks, and a swimsuit round set to take place at the Oscars.
The Academy has promised the utmost transparency. "This isn’t a popularity contest, it’s a beauty contest." said head judge and skincare mogul Dr. Lance Glowwell. "We’re talking about symmetrical jawlines, glistening cheekbones, and the ineffable sparkle of a man who knows he looks good in a leather jacket."
Critics have expressed concern over whether women will have an equivalent category. Yang reassured skeptics that the Academy is already workshopping the long awaited Hottest Actress category stating, “People have been talking about whose the hottest actress for a long, long time, so we thought we would let the men go first for the oscars category to make it fair.”
This year's inaugural nominees include a lineup of Hollywood’s finest:
Paul Mescal (Gladiator II)
Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Kraven The Hunter)
Timothée Chalamet (Dune II)
Those Two Rat Boys, Together (Challengers)
Glen Powell (All the stuff he was in)
Notably absent from the nominees is Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool & Wolverine) and Ryan Gosling (Fall Guy), who reportedly lobbied hard for consideration with a controversial campaign that involved holographic selfies mailed to Academy voters. Social Media users have also noted the lack of diversity in the categories nominees. In response to these criticisms, Yang has stated “It’s the Oscars.”
While many fans have embraced the announcement, some actors have expressed frustration. Daniel Day-Lewis, who famously retired from acting, issued a rare statement decrying the move as "a reduction of the art form to mere thirst traps." Leonardo DiCaprio, on the other hand, has remained suspiciously silent, possibly due to lingering resentment over People’s Sexiest Man Alive eluding him since 1997.
Still, the Oscars’ pivot toward unabashed superficiality has been praised as long overdue. “It’s refreshing,” said one film critic. “Finally, an award for the part of cinema that truly brings us together: hot people we’ll never date.”
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